22 years...and counting

That's how long Tracy and I have known each other. Wow! I can't believe how fast the time goes by. And now, she's moving to Kentucky soon. So, Tracy and her family drove over to St. George. She took me out for lunch. It was nice to visit and catch up. I told Brant I was so sad, I would probably never see her again. He simply said, "Liz, 'never' is a really long time."

I know my ABC's...all 24 letters

Madison has learned her ABC's. I'm not sure where she learned it. I haven't worked with her that much on it. She usually doesn't forget the last letters. Porter could care less about learning them.

Getting Used to Things

I am kind of getting used to the new schedule of leaving home for 5 days and then coming back. It's still alot of stress being away from the family. I don't know who has MORE stress...me or Brant. He has to work a physically hard job and then come home and take care of three little kids. I have a fairly easy job and when I get off work I have all the time I need for myself. I'm just all alone. It's always too much or too little in life. I guess we just have to enjoy what we have and be greatful for the have's and forget the have not's.

I love reading the Jackson Family Blog It keeps me so inspired. I don't personally know this woman. I came across her blog over a year ago. Her daughter died unexpectedly on a Sunday morning from a freak accident . I guess her story her story struck me at the time that it did, because her daughter passed away the day after my baby was born. For every day I have had with Lane, she has had without her daughter. Her story, her writing, her testimony, and definitely her personality inspire me in the struggles I have in life. So many times, when I feel like I am struggling with the things I don't have and want, I realize it could be a lot worse. That keeps me grateful for my challenges.

Getting another year older...already!

Where does the time go? I was really hoping that if no one remembered my birthday I wouldn't have to count it. But, too many people remembered so I can't pretend I didn't get another year older. Travis and Haley put together an all-out surprise party. It was really fun to come home and be surprised. Plus, I got some really cool outfits and boots thanks to Haley. Kim bought me some awesome jewelry--I totally need it for work. My parents took me and Kim out for a birthday dinner at Chili's. It was fun.

I also got lots of texts, emails, and facebook love. Thank you to everyone. The kids called me and sang Happy Birthday to me over the phone. It was great.

When I got back to Vegas, Brant had gifts that he and the kids got for me. He is the best gift-giver. He always gets the coolest stuff. This year, I only got two gifts from him, but they really counted. He gave me a silver heart locket with "I Love You Mom" on the inside. He put pictures of the kids on one side and a picture of me and him on the other.

He wouldn't tell me what he got me all week long. He kept telling me that he already had me "fitted" for it. I could not figure it. Finally, I got to open the gift--it was a pair of orthodic insoles. Several months ago, he had me stand on the Dr. Scholl's machine that tests your feet. I have really flat feet and all of the discomforts that go along with that. We didn't buy them, because they were too expense. But, he remembered what style I needed and got those for me. I love them.

Please stop drowning me

This week seems to be exceptionally hard, at least emotionally for me. This is the fourth week at my new job. On one hand, I can't believe how quickly it has passed. On the other, I dread leaving my family each week. The weekend goes so quickly. I have always beens such an emotionally sensitive person, although most people don't know that because I hide it so well. I guess as sort of a protection, because emotions can be overbearing to me.

I honestly think that I would have a nervous breakdown if I were in Travis' shoes. I'm not exaggerating. Which is horrible, because my kids would have a mental case for a mom. I just don't know how they do it. Vicki is experiencing so many problems with Jaden as well. Listening to them both this week, and then struggling with my own separation from my family has overwhelmed me. In fact, I keep telling myself, my situation is not that bad. I should not complain. But, then thinking about that, I feel guilty because I do feel so sorry for myself. I miss my kids terribly, I want to be in our own house (we've lived with people for 3 and a half years), and I want just a little extra money.

I found a story by Elder Wirthlin on http://www.lds.org/. It was titled Press On. One of the most powerful points in that story is to not ask Why Is This Happening To ME, but What Can I Learn from This Situation. It all makes sense, but sometimes it's really hard when you feel like someone is pushing your head under water and all you want is a couple of breaths. Here I am, trying to save money so we can get enough for a down payment to rent our own house. But, with all of the money I am spending because I have a job, i.e. gas, travel, food, work clothes, and daycare, there's not much left to save. It's frustrating. Hopefully, the three months will pass quickly.

Although, I do know I really have a learned a lot from this. I go home on weekends and just play with my kids. It's fun. The house (our little room and loft) is trashed. I mean, I would have never let it get that dirty when I was staying home. There is so much laundry it's all over our bedroom floor. The bathroom--oh my! But, I just don't care as much, nor do I want to spend my two days cleaning. So, I let it go. I make sure I say all of the things I want them to know before I leave, like how much I love them and how important they are to me. I enjoy just holding them and don't always tell them I can't play, read, or whatever my excuse used to be until I get chores done. I ditched part of church on Sunday, to go home and spend time with Brant. I mean quality time--alone. And, I'm not talking about any hanky panky, just some good quiet time. I would have never done that before.

I guess if I have learned anything, it is to put things in perspective. My value system has altered. Not much, but rules and life don't have to be just right. I'm still tired, and sad when I'm away, but I know we have made a choice to sacrifice so that we can have our own place, move to a safer town, and give our kids some of the things we think are important. I guess everyone has their own trials. It makes me want to be nicer to people too, because I don't know just how crazy their life might be.

Da' Boys

Rough and tough and tumble. That's what they love to do. Typical boys. I asked Porter if he missed me when I'm gone. He said, "I miss Dad." Thanks, Porter.

Little Posin' Madi

She loves the camera....both sides of it. She takes pictures of me all of the time. Most of the time she gets her finger in front of the flash or misses me altogether.

Cute Conversations

Me to Madi: You're the prettiest girl in our family.
Brant to Porter: No! Porter's the prettiest girl in our family.
Porter: No I'm not Dad!
Brant: Yes you are.
Porter: Dad! Look at my face and look at Madi's. She has the prettiest face.

Me: Do you want a grilled cheese sandwich Porter?
Porter: No, I want a boy cheese sandwich.
(He thought I said a girl-cheese.)

Me to Madi at church: Do you want to talk in church like that little boy at the pulpit?
Madi: I am talking in church right now.

I'm not the prettiest girl at work anymore

So maybe it’s conceit; maybe it’s realizing my youthful beauty has finally reached the top of the hill and it truly is “all downhill from here.” I’ll admit to some vanity over the past couple of decades. Vicki and I used to try to find girls in church who were cuter than us. I know, crazy. It was when we were in college. We would look around and try to find girls we thought were prettier. There wasn’t always a lot. If we thought someone was prettier, the other would argue that they weren’t . I’m not saying we were right, or that it was true; we were just really good for each other’s egos.

I came to this realization that I didn’t want to ask the magic mirror who was the fairest of them all sometime last week. I’ve been working at Paul Mitchell the School for two weeks now. It was a sad death of sorts. I totally understand Snow White’s wicked stepmother. But at work, I’m way out numbered by cute girls. I mean, there are lots of reasons that are out of my control. For one, the girls are half my age. When did I get old enough to work with people half my age? I AM going to be 39 this month. I have been out of circulation and admittedly grew quite frumpy while being a stay-at-home Mom for the past three years. The added weight gain, naturally takes off points. But, even if I were skinny, it’s still a tough competition.

Last night, while trying to go to sleep, my husband, Brant randomly said, “You know I still think you’re beautiful, don’t you?” I didn’t realize I didn’t think that anymore until he asked me that question. I haven’t felt beautiful for a long time. Not that my well-fed ego was lamenting over it. My ego always makes excuses for any deficiencies. You know, for example my ego will say, “You might not be the prettiest, but you’re the best looking 38 year old there. You look good for your age.” I like my ego.

I replied to Brant, “You do?” I wondered if he had been having secret talks with my ego. Or, maybe he was becoming my ego.

He said, “Oh, course. Why do you think I call you ‘Sexy’ all of the time.”

Begging for more, I said, “Really? You mean that?”

“You’ll always be the most beautiful woman in my eyes,” he continued. He leaned over and kissed me and then said what he says every night, “Good night, Sexy.”

He made me smile, and tear up a little. Maybe I’m not the prettiest at work anymore, but I’ll always be the most beautiful to him. I guess you can’t ask for more than that. Even if--as Ron always says, “The old gray mare ain’t what she used to be.”

Not enough time...

CAN YOU TELL who the leader of this group is? She's the boss, and they're her boys.

I have so much stuff I would like to write, but am limiting myself. Tonight is my last night before I leave for St. George in the morning so I am trying to spend as much time with the kids as possible. It's hard, but we have a goal and timeline in mind, so the sacrifice is worth it.

Here's my Madisonisms to record:

ME: You're a Smarty Pants.
MADI: Yes I am. I know everything.

MADI: (after I picked her up at Nursery) My teacher is so good. She took good care of me. She fixed my bow, tied my ribbon, and put on my shoes. She takes good care of me. She's so good.

ME: Did you have a good week?
MADI: I don’t know! What is a week?

MADI: (I just told her tonight was my last night before I have to go to work.) You want me to call you on the phone so you don’t miss me so much? (You can see she doesn't have as much of a problem as I do.)

MADI: Ughh!!! (Frustrated with Lane) We really need to teach him to talk.

Now, it's not that I am ignoring Porter. He just doesn't say much. I mean, he does, he just doesn't have these smart, funny, little quips that Madison does. He is very creative and is making up fantastic stories about dinosaurs, dogs, and super heroes. He is always fighting or saving the world.

Busy, busy

I started my new job last week in St. George. It's with Paul Mitchell-The School. I really enjoy it. Of course, I am so busy I haven't been blogging or taking pictures much. I hate being away from the kids, but it's this or live with other people for the rest of our lives! The choices we have to make.

Why do they look so sweet when they're sleeping?

My little boys love to sleep together. Last night Porter told me he was sleeping with Lane because he loves his brother.

Saturday is a special day...

...especially when your husband tells you to go back to bed--he'll take care of the kids. Wow! I loved it. After two extra hours of sleep I couldn't sleep any longer. I decided to get up and found him getting all three kids ready to go the park. I was kid-free until noon today. What a break. And, he's watching the kids tonight while Rhonda and I go to the Relief Society Broadcast. I am so lucky.

More About Ari

Written by Elizabeth (Lane) Hibbard

I woke up this morning and checked my email as I always do. Travis sent me a touching email he shared with four of his closest childhood friends. The tears flowed as I read his words. It is truly impossible to understand what a parent who is fighting for the life of their child must be going through. I will post parts of that email as I get time throughout the day to edit it. It's beautiful.
Check http://www.prayforari.blogspot.com/ for updates.
I am going to start working in St. George again next week and will be away from my children for four nights each week. My heart was aching as I thought of having to leave them. But, knowing it will only be temporary and will get our family to a better place, we have chosen to make the sacrifice now.
I still remember the quote that President Jones had on the wall of the seminary for all of the four years I attended. It read, "Sacrifice is trading what we want most for the moment, for what we want most in the end." That may not be exact, but that is the closest I remember it.
After Travis' email, I not only felt a sliver of his pain, I felt that I should be grateful that my situation is not the same as his. It's funny how we keep hearing that. Travis and Haley were glad they weren't in Vicki's shoes; and Vicki was glad she wasn't in their's. My friend, Lisa (Hamilton) West, always made the comment clear back in high school that if we all threw our trials into a pile and could go and pick out the ones we wanted, we would still probably take ours over someone else's.
I know people who have lived through some of life's hardest trials, and they always say, "I wouldn't trade this experience for anything." I think that is because through our greatest trials we also receive our greatest blessings. I know that Travis and Haley testify daily of the blessings they have received from this trial. Certainly, they would not have chosen it, but they have such a positive outlook they not only are leaving a legacy for their children, but for those who watch their example.
I don't think anyone who knows of their situation has not taken time to reflect on their own lives. Perhaps even hear their own murmurs and complaints. Hopefully, you have also felt gratitude as you thank the Lord for all of the blessings in your own life. This experience has touched me and I am thankful to Travis and Haley for sharing it with so many people. They are angels whose lights are shining bright, not only for their daughter, Ari, but for everyone else as well.

It's library day

Teaching the days of the week has been alot of work. We actually have to do an activity every day to help them think about what day it is. We christened Tuesday library day as that is a good day for the Toddler story time. I usually put Lane down for a nap and leave him with grandma. (She is so awesome.) Then, it's me and the twins. They really love the singing and dancing and story reading. We stayed a little longer today. I let them play with puzzles and read books. I decided to re-organize their puzzles. They were a mess. I know they'll be messed up again next week, but I thought maybe I could help.

Yesterday, Madison threw a fit. She is so good when she's good, and so bad when she is bad. It's strange. Porter justs stays in the gray area. Not too helpful, but not too bad. (Okay, sometimes he crosses over to the bad side.) Madison started throwing a tantrum. I have been giving her a warning when she does this and then I send her to her room to calm down. I was sitting by her yesterday and she started jumping up and down. She was throwing a tantrum. I said, "Madison, calm down or you will go to your room."

"No!!!!" She wailed and then jumped right into my lip. It split right open. And, instantly started swelling like a balloon. Not one for pain, I mean I purposely skipped all of the labor pains, I was dying. I wished I still had some percocet pills left. I iced it, put anbesol on it, and took ibuprofen. Then, took pictures and text them to people I thought I could get sympathy from. Okay, I sent one to Brant (bad idea) and one to Vicki. Vicki was sympathetic. Brant sent a big "LOL" back to me. He thought it was hilarious. I had to lie down for awhile. While I was moaning in pain, Madison came into my room and said very sweetly, "Mom, I really didn't mean to do that to your lip. I'm sorry."

Today she told me, "Mom, I just wanted you to hug me yesterday." I told her I would make a note of that in the future. My lip is still fat. If it was even, it wouldn't be so bad. But, I have an "A" cup on the left side of my lip and a "DD" on the right. It is even bruised on the front of my skin below the lip. Really, she got me good.