Am I blogging too much?

I really didn't think so, but I just heard Madison telling Porter "I'm going to put these stickers on my blog." He said, "That's cool. I don't have a blog."

I don't ever want to close my eyes again!

That's exactly what Porter said to me when he woke up Monday morning. I said, "Why?" He said, "Because, I hate to sleep, Mom!" Which is funny, because he is the last one to wake up in the morning. He never wants to go to sleep at night, either. I think his personality is such that he doesn't want to miss out on anything. He thinks that sleep robs him of that.

I love his happy, go-lucky attitude. Madi and I, we tend to be uptight when everything doesn't go right or we feel like we're losing control. Porter already senses that in me and he'll say, "It's okay, Mom. It's okay." He says that to me all of the time and I always smile, because I realize I am taking something way too serious and need to chill out.

* * * * *

When I had to leave on Tuesday morning, Madison was feeling very sad. She said, "Mom, I am feeling sad." I said, "I know, honey. This is really hard. It's hard for me too." I said, "Do you want to cry?" She said, "Yes." I said, "It's okay, so do I. But it will only be for awhile." She hugged me and said, "Okay, Mom. I love you. I will call you so you don't miss me so much." I don't know how she is so grown up for only being 3. I am sure every parent thinks this, but I look forward to seeing what they will accomplish in life and how much more they are going to teach me.

Belated Happy Halloween

I wasn't home in time for Halloween...so Brant took care of everything. Even, the costumes. I had the idea and he dressed them. They had the wrong shoes on, and he put a long sleeve white shirt under Madison's cheerleader shirt. And, a pair of red sweat pants. It didn't look very cool...especially with her white church sandals. But...I can't complain he did everything. Plus, I didn't get to take pictures because I wasn't there, so this is about it for picture quality. P.S. The referee shirt was made out of a white turtle-neck and black duct tape. Very clever, Brant, very clever.

22 years...and counting

That's how long Tracy and I have known each other. Wow! I can't believe how fast the time goes by. And now, she's moving to Kentucky soon. So, Tracy and her family drove over to St. George. She took me out for lunch. It was nice to visit and catch up. I told Brant I was so sad, I would probably never see her again. He simply said, "Liz, 'never' is a really long time."

I know my ABC's...all 24 letters

Madison has learned her ABC's. I'm not sure where she learned it. I haven't worked with her that much on it. She usually doesn't forget the last letters. Porter could care less about learning them.

Getting Used to Things

I am kind of getting used to the new schedule of leaving home for 5 days and then coming back. It's still alot of stress being away from the family. I don't know who has MORE stress...me or Brant. He has to work a physically hard job and then come home and take care of three little kids. I have a fairly easy job and when I get off work I have all the time I need for myself. I'm just all alone. It's always too much or too little in life. I guess we just have to enjoy what we have and be greatful for the have's and forget the have not's.

I love reading the Jackson Family Blog It keeps me so inspired. I don't personally know this woman. I came across her blog over a year ago. Her daughter died unexpectedly on a Sunday morning from a freak accident . I guess her story her story struck me at the time that it did, because her daughter passed away the day after my baby was born. For every day I have had with Lane, she has had without her daughter. Her story, her writing, her testimony, and definitely her personality inspire me in the struggles I have in life. So many times, when I feel like I am struggling with the things I don't have and want, I realize it could be a lot worse. That keeps me grateful for my challenges.

Getting another year older...already!

Where does the time go? I was really hoping that if no one remembered my birthday I wouldn't have to count it. But, too many people remembered so I can't pretend I didn't get another year older. Travis and Haley put together an all-out surprise party. It was really fun to come home and be surprised. Plus, I got some really cool outfits and boots thanks to Haley. Kim bought me some awesome jewelry--I totally need it for work. My parents took me and Kim out for a birthday dinner at Chili's. It was fun.

I also got lots of texts, emails, and facebook love. Thank you to everyone. The kids called me and sang Happy Birthday to me over the phone. It was great.

When I got back to Vegas, Brant had gifts that he and the kids got for me. He is the best gift-giver. He always gets the coolest stuff. This year, I only got two gifts from him, but they really counted. He gave me a silver heart locket with "I Love You Mom" on the inside. He put pictures of the kids on one side and a picture of me and him on the other.

He wouldn't tell me what he got me all week long. He kept telling me that he already had me "fitted" for it. I could not figure it. Finally, I got to open the gift--it was a pair of orthodic insoles. Several months ago, he had me stand on the Dr. Scholl's machine that tests your feet. I have really flat feet and all of the discomforts that go along with that. We didn't buy them, because they were too expense. But, he remembered what style I needed and got those for me. I love them.

Please stop drowning me

This week seems to be exceptionally hard, at least emotionally for me. This is the fourth week at my new job. On one hand, I can't believe how quickly it has passed. On the other, I dread leaving my family each week. The weekend goes so quickly. I have always beens such an emotionally sensitive person, although most people don't know that because I hide it so well. I guess as sort of a protection, because emotions can be overbearing to me.

I honestly think that I would have a nervous breakdown if I were in Travis' shoes. I'm not exaggerating. Which is horrible, because my kids would have a mental case for a mom. I just don't know how they do it. Vicki is experiencing so many problems with Jaden as well. Listening to them both this week, and then struggling with my own separation from my family has overwhelmed me. In fact, I keep telling myself, my situation is not that bad. I should not complain. But, then thinking about that, I feel guilty because I do feel so sorry for myself. I miss my kids terribly, I want to be in our own house (we've lived with people for 3 and a half years), and I want just a little extra money.

I found a story by Elder Wirthlin on http://www.lds.org/. It was titled Press On. One of the most powerful points in that story is to not ask Why Is This Happening To ME, but What Can I Learn from This Situation. It all makes sense, but sometimes it's really hard when you feel like someone is pushing your head under water and all you want is a couple of breaths. Here I am, trying to save money so we can get enough for a down payment to rent our own house. But, with all of the money I am spending because I have a job, i.e. gas, travel, food, work clothes, and daycare, there's not much left to save. It's frustrating. Hopefully, the three months will pass quickly.

Although, I do know I really have a learned a lot from this. I go home on weekends and just play with my kids. It's fun. The house (our little room and loft) is trashed. I mean, I would have never let it get that dirty when I was staying home. There is so much laundry it's all over our bedroom floor. The bathroom--oh my! But, I just don't care as much, nor do I want to spend my two days cleaning. So, I let it go. I make sure I say all of the things I want them to know before I leave, like how much I love them and how important they are to me. I enjoy just holding them and don't always tell them I can't play, read, or whatever my excuse used to be until I get chores done. I ditched part of church on Sunday, to go home and spend time with Brant. I mean quality time--alone. And, I'm not talking about any hanky panky, just some good quiet time. I would have never done that before.

I guess if I have learned anything, it is to put things in perspective. My value system has altered. Not much, but rules and life don't have to be just right. I'm still tired, and sad when I'm away, but I know we have made a choice to sacrifice so that we can have our own place, move to a safer town, and give our kids some of the things we think are important. I guess everyone has their own trials. It makes me want to be nicer to people too, because I don't know just how crazy their life might be.

Da' Boys

Rough and tough and tumble. That's what they love to do. Typical boys. I asked Porter if he missed me when I'm gone. He said, "I miss Dad." Thanks, Porter.

Little Posin' Madi

She loves the camera....both sides of it. She takes pictures of me all of the time. Most of the time she gets her finger in front of the flash or misses me altogether.

Cute Conversations

Me to Madi: You're the prettiest girl in our family.
Brant to Porter: No! Porter's the prettiest girl in our family.
Porter: No I'm not Dad!
Brant: Yes you are.
Porter: Dad! Look at my face and look at Madi's. She has the prettiest face.

Me: Do you want a grilled cheese sandwich Porter?
Porter: No, I want a boy cheese sandwich.
(He thought I said a girl-cheese.)

Me to Madi at church: Do you want to talk in church like that little boy at the pulpit?
Madi: I am talking in church right now.

I'm not the prettiest girl at work anymore

So maybe it’s conceit; maybe it’s realizing my youthful beauty has finally reached the top of the hill and it truly is “all downhill from here.” I’ll admit to some vanity over the past couple of decades. Vicki and I used to try to find girls in church who were cuter than us. I know, crazy. It was when we were in college. We would look around and try to find girls we thought were prettier. There wasn’t always a lot. If we thought someone was prettier, the other would argue that they weren’t . I’m not saying we were right, or that it was true; we were just really good for each other’s egos.

I came to this realization that I didn’t want to ask the magic mirror who was the fairest of them all sometime last week. I’ve been working at Paul Mitchell the School for two weeks now. It was a sad death of sorts. I totally understand Snow White’s wicked stepmother. But at work, I’m way out numbered by cute girls. I mean, there are lots of reasons that are out of my control. For one, the girls are half my age. When did I get old enough to work with people half my age? I AM going to be 39 this month. I have been out of circulation and admittedly grew quite frumpy while being a stay-at-home Mom for the past three years. The added weight gain, naturally takes off points. But, even if I were skinny, it’s still a tough competition.

Last night, while trying to go to sleep, my husband, Brant randomly said, “You know I still think you’re beautiful, don’t you?” I didn’t realize I didn’t think that anymore until he asked me that question. I haven’t felt beautiful for a long time. Not that my well-fed ego was lamenting over it. My ego always makes excuses for any deficiencies. You know, for example my ego will say, “You might not be the prettiest, but you’re the best looking 38 year old there. You look good for your age.” I like my ego.

I replied to Brant, “You do?” I wondered if he had been having secret talks with my ego. Or, maybe he was becoming my ego.

He said, “Oh, course. Why do you think I call you ‘Sexy’ all of the time.”

Begging for more, I said, “Really? You mean that?”

“You’ll always be the most beautiful woman in my eyes,” he continued. He leaned over and kissed me and then said what he says every night, “Good night, Sexy.”

He made me smile, and tear up a little. Maybe I’m not the prettiest at work anymore, but I’ll always be the most beautiful to him. I guess you can’t ask for more than that. Even if--as Ron always says, “The old gray mare ain’t what she used to be.”

Not enough time...

CAN YOU TELL who the leader of this group is? She's the boss, and they're her boys.

I have so much stuff I would like to write, but am limiting myself. Tonight is my last night before I leave for St. George in the morning so I am trying to spend as much time with the kids as possible. It's hard, but we have a goal and timeline in mind, so the sacrifice is worth it.

Here's my Madisonisms to record:

ME: You're a Smarty Pants.
MADI: Yes I am. I know everything.

MADI: (after I picked her up at Nursery) My teacher is so good. She took good care of me. She fixed my bow, tied my ribbon, and put on my shoes. She takes good care of me. She's so good.

ME: Did you have a good week?
MADI: I don’t know! What is a week?

MADI: (I just told her tonight was my last night before I have to go to work.) You want me to call you on the phone so you don’t miss me so much? (You can see she doesn't have as much of a problem as I do.)

MADI: Ughh!!! (Frustrated with Lane) We really need to teach him to talk.

Now, it's not that I am ignoring Porter. He just doesn't say much. I mean, he does, he just doesn't have these smart, funny, little quips that Madison does. He is very creative and is making up fantastic stories about dinosaurs, dogs, and super heroes. He is always fighting or saving the world.

Busy, busy

I started my new job last week in St. George. It's with Paul Mitchell-The School. I really enjoy it. Of course, I am so busy I haven't been blogging or taking pictures much. I hate being away from the kids, but it's this or live with other people for the rest of our lives! The choices we have to make.

Why do they look so sweet when they're sleeping?

My little boys love to sleep together. Last night Porter told me he was sleeping with Lane because he loves his brother.