This week seems to be exceptionally hard, at least emotionally for me. This is the fourth week at my new job. On one hand, I can't believe how quickly it has passed. On the other, I dread leaving my family each week. The weekend goes so quickly. I have always beens such an emotionally sensitive person, although most people don't know that because I hide it so well. I guess as sort of a protection, because emotions can be overbearing to me.
I honestly think that I would have a nervous breakdown if I were in Travis' shoes. I'm not exaggerating. Which is horrible, because my kids would have a mental case for a mom. I just don't know how they do it. Vicki is experiencing so many problems with Jaden as well. Listening to them both this week, and then struggling with my own separation from my family has overwhelmed me. In fact, I keep telling myself, my situation is not that bad. I should not complain. But, then thinking about that, I feel guilty because I do feel so sorry for myself. I miss my kids terribly, I want to be in our own house (we've lived with people for 3 and a half years), and I want just a little extra money.
I found a story by Elder Wirthlin on http://www.lds.org/. It was titled Press On. One of the most powerful points in that story is to not ask Why Is This Happening To ME, but What Can I Learn from This Situation. It all makes sense, but sometimes it's really hard when you feel like someone is pushing your head under water and all you want is a couple of breaths. Here I am, trying to save money so we can get enough for a down payment to rent our own house. But, with all of the money I am spending because I have a job, i.e. gas, travel, food, work clothes, and daycare, there's not much left to save. It's frustrating. Hopefully, the three months will pass quickly.
Although, I do know I really have a learned a lot from this. I go home on weekends and just play with my kids. It's fun. The house (our little room and loft) is trashed. I mean, I would have never let it get that dirty when I was staying home. There is so much laundry it's all over our bedroom floor. The bathroom--oh my! But, I just don't care as much, nor do I want to spend my two days cleaning. So, I let it go. I make sure I say all of the things I want them to know before I leave, like how much I love them and how important they are to me. I enjoy just holding them and don't always tell them I can't play, read, or whatever my excuse used to be until I get chores done. I ditched part of church on Sunday, to go home and spend time with Brant. I mean quality time--alone. And, I'm not talking about any hanky panky, just some good quiet time. I would have never done that before.
I guess if I have learned anything, it is to put things in perspective. My value system has altered. Not much, but rules and life don't have to be just right. I'm still tired, and sad when I'm away, but I know we have made a choice to sacrifice so that we can have our own place, move to a safer town, and give our kids some of the things we think are important. I guess everyone has their own trials. It makes me want to be nicer to people too, because I don't know just how crazy their life might be.
3 comments:
I hear you. Isn't it ironic that we spent all those years single and now that we have husbands, we just need their time and attention for a little while every week? I feel lost when I don't get time with Scott to talk - not even about important things, just visiting. I need that time with him and when our weeks are busy and we don't get that time, I also feel like I am drowning. How did we do when we were single? I recall some sessions on the couch with my "therapist". I even found our list of funny quotes the other day. I miss you. I hope things get better soon.
Hang in there - just remember it is like swimming through a cave - you don't think you are going to make it and then you see the light of day - that feeling is amazing and so worth it. You can do it. We are pulling for you and you are in our prayers just like everyone else in your family. I can't wait to see the blessings all these trials in your family are going to bring to all of you - seriously - when has it been this intense? You all are being prepared for something good on the other side of all these difficulties.
It's interesting that you say, "Why Is This Happening To ME, but What Can I Learn from This Situation" because I was talking to Ron the other night about Jaden and I asked the "do you ever wonder question?". He said, "Don't ask why, ask what you are suppose to learn from this." It didn't take me long to answer with I have learned to NEVER judge other people's kids. I will never judge another kids behavior and I seriously mean that. We have no idea what is going on with that child.
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