What a week. Spent most of it up in Pleasant Grove working for my brother to earn a little extra cash. I was paid much more than I was worth, but at this point I will accept it. Fortunately, so many people have been helping me out and I'm making it one day at a time. I have been given money, food, gifts, and even a car that I can buy cheap. I got back to Vegas late Friday night, but at least it was with a vehicle. I think I'll have to ride the bus once in a while just to keep up on my "Bus Stops" series as it has been such an enlightening experience.
I always feel optimistic about the future and things getting financially better. I think it's important to remember that finances are not always the most important thing to "get better". I was so excited to pick up the kids on Saturday morning after not seeing them for a whole week. It is truly amazing what a happy spot they can be in life and how motivating they can be. They are so sweet and happy and grateful. I always tell them I want to remember the times we struggled together so that we can be grateful for the successes. I am impressed by how easily children adapt.
Even in a studio apartment these boys find so many imaginative things to do. The pantry used to be filled with an overstock of food. Now they use it to build forts and bedrooms on the shelves. They dig out our costume bucket and play superheros. They've found a "fort" in the bushes outside and spend hours in there. They like to collect potato bugs, ants, and worms. Rocks are even fun. I put all of their "fighting" toys in a bucket and they'll take those outside and chase each other. The pool, the library, baking bread and cookies, and Burger King a stones throw away, make for cheap entertainment and time together.
Madison is still emotional and struggles. She lashes out by being too rough with the boys. They think she is mean. She has gotten better, but really puts up a wall to keep everyone. I had a good talk with her today, but it breaks my heart how sad she is. She broke down crying and repeated again her wish for her family to be together. She doesn't feel like anyone loves her and I think that's because of her pain. I tried every which way I could to help her understand how much her Dad, her Mom, and her Grandmother, and all of her relatives love her. She doesn't believe it. I worry about her self-esteem and self-worth. She eats too much and it's obviously a coping mechanism for her. She asked to be put in the school counseling program again, so I'll get her signed up for that. Porter said he wants to do it too this year. I'm glad they have it. I know for Madison, it helps her to be able to talk to someone. It really helped her last year.
I know that every child always says they only want their parents, but as a parent it's heart wrenching not to be able to give them what they want. I don't mind that we can't have "everything", but I do hate that I have 5 and 7 year olds asking, "Can we afford this"? I try not to take them food shopping with me because I hate to have to tell them we can't have something--even if it's not much. Porter burnt his toast and felt so bad because I have been harping on them not to waste food. He told me he was going to eat it anyway because he knows I can't afford much food. That makes me want to cry that my children are worried about wasting a piece of toast. I laughed and told him I could show him a trick my Dad used. I've told them how poverty stricken my Dad's childhood was. He showed us how to scrape off the burnt part of the toast. He was rather excited about that.
I'm also amazed at how much I can do without. I haven't bought sandwich bags or specialized cleaning supplies. Instead of 409 I use Windex. Oh the tragedies. LOL. And, you can wash a load of dishes in just hot water. Laundry doesn't need as much soap and many times, not every outfit needs to be washed. I have been able to temporarily do without a phone and even power. We drink water out of the sink instead of bottled. The humorous part of all of this is that these are First World problems. Many people throughout the world would love to have my "problems".
I remind myself of all of the things I do have. My kids are healthy. My brother lost his three year old daughter to cancer, and I truly believe he would have spent the rest of this life in my situation if he could have kept her here. I have so much help from family they give me enough to keep me from drowning without robbing me of these rich experiences to grow. I have friends all over who offer encouraging words, love, and support. The best thing to consider is that this may well be one of the most challenging experiences of my life, yet if it is the worst I ever face I will have lived a very blessed life.
No comments:
Post a Comment