Moses' Couch

Death is such a hard part of life. As adults it is so hard to understand. It's no wonder children are just as confused. Watching my brother and his wife lose their sweet little angel to cancer at age 3 was and still is one of the most devastating life experiences I have ever had. I can't imagine how they have lived through it.

When an old friend of mine approached me about helping him publish a children's book, I was really excited to help him. It's a beautifully written story about a young boy who loses his mother. The whole intent of the book is to help children gain a better understanding of death and what happens when we lose someone. As he has written it, I have read it to my children. Surprisingly, they sit quiet and listen intently. They're really into the story. And little Madi, bless her heart, said, "Mom I don't understand what happens when people die either. When Ari (my niece) died I was so sad. I really miss her and sometimes I cry at night because I miss her a lot."

It's a privilege to be a part of this and I'm looking forward to the book being finished. Here's an excerpt:

"He looked up into the sky and saw what his Mommy called God’s Flashlight. It was one of those beams of light that comes through the dark clouds. She had told him when somebody in Heaven is looking for you they turn on their flashlight and look down. People on earth think it looks like a beam of sunlight coming through the clouds, but really it’s God’s flashlight. He wondered if it was his Mommy looking for him. He took his little toy flashlight he used to trick the cat with and shined it back as if to say here I am, please just come back mommy. Then the strangest thing happened. The beam of light coming from the sky got even brighter as if it was just pointed right at him. It was almost blinding and then all at once it was gone. He knew his Mom had found him. That was the first time he felt a little bit happy since the day she left."

(You have to get further into the book to see why it's titled "Moses' Couch.")

October weather in Vegas

Can I tell you how elated I am that its only going to be in the 90s this week. Yeah! I really don't mind the heat when I have car air conditioning, but this summer was hot, hot, hot. This winter will be save, save, save for a new compressor.

Okay, he's that into me

Postcript to yesterday's post. Remember what I said about regretting my text today? Yeah...well the gist of the text was you don't like me anymore because you didn't want me to help you. And since you don't like me anymore I don't think we should see each other anymore. Thanks, it was a lot of fun, but I'm done peace out.

It really sounded a lot better than that and made perfect sense yesterday. ...but very stupid sounding when I had to explain to a grown man, who was completely confused about what I was trying to say. Bottom line, I told him I felt like we were disconnecting and things weren't the same and I figured he was wanting to end things anyway. I also mentioned that I didn't feel like we were even friends anymore.

After he got done looking at me like I was a moron, he said it really hurt to hear me say we weren't friends because he considered us to be very close friends and how much he likes to be with me. So then I felt dumb. He explained how busy he's been lately--which is true--a couple of major things he's had to deal with. And last night, he didn't really want my help because there was a football game on. He made me "un-dump" him. Did I mention I felt dumb?

Sometimes stuff in a text doesn't sound as smart when you read it out loud. So we're friends again, with a promise we'll do more friend stuff once his other stuff is taken care of. Guess I'm not much better at relationships then I was 20 years ago. I could use some improvement in the communication department.

Say My Name, say my name

It's taken a couple of months, but I finally completed the last step to getting my name changed back to Elizabeth Lane. It's the final step to feeling like I got myself back completely. Interesting how much a name can mean and how shedding a man's last name feels empowering. All symbolic but freedom nonetheless.

I couldn't believe the effort it took. In order to change my drivers license I had to have a copy of the divorce decree with the judges approval to restore my name back to it's original. The social security office was a little harder. Makes me wonder how people who are not U.S. citizens can get them so easily. They wouldn't accept a copy of my divorce decree even though I had a state issued drivers license with my name and photo on it. I also had my birth certificate with my name on it. Subsequently, I had to go to the Family Court and pay $10 to just for an official stamp on my divorce decree. And, had to make a second trip to wait in line at the social security office. But now I'm back!

He's just not that into me

Relationships are a new adventure. You know how you always say, I wish I knew what I know now when I was a teenager, dating, and figuring boys out. When you get divorced, you're single and you have the "know then what you know now." But it's still not easy and walking the talk can be hard.

I've been dating this guy and we went through the happy to be with you all the time stage...blah, blah, blah. Today he turned me down to come and help him with something he really needs help with. It hurt my feelings because it was a really lame excuse. He said he was a giver, not a taker--thus the decline. Really? It's been dwindling; I've seen it coming. The excitement has been waning. You know that stage when you start getting back to what you were before him? The thing is, I think I was a lot more into him then he was into me. So when he turned me down, I decided to just cut the ties. A little brash you think? I think I was just reading what he was writing on the wall. I gave him--well text him the "I think we should be friends."

Maybe I'm lame. Maybe the one thing I learned was to quit before you get fired. Maybe I'll regret my "hasta lluego" text tomorrow. But I really think I just got a jump start on the inevitable, because he's really not that into me.

Knock, knock, who's there?

I have trouble sleeping. I'm told it's my age, but like to believe it's something else. I used to sleep like a rock as a teenager. I could sleep on a hard floor--and that's no lie. But now, every couple of hours I tend to gain consciousness even if only momentarily.

I have prescription sleep pills that work great, but I hesitate to use them. If I take one and am undisturbed, it's a beautiful thing. But, if someone wakes me--or calls me in the case of a couple of days ago--I will do incredible things and can't remember most of it. I had a 30 minute conversation with a friend. I can barely remember what was said, but apparently I was going to cash a $30 check and drive to St. George. I also woke up and found three different text conversations going around the exact same time the night before. My thumbs must have been flying. They were actually highly intelligent and well-written. I have to say some of my ideas were brilliant. I just can't remember texting. But that's a whole other post.

Back to me and my sleep problem. I went to bed last night and refused to take a pill. I didn't want a repeat of the night before, and as I always try to do I convince myself that I'm not in need of medication. Of course, I went to sleep around 7:30--a friend called. Shortly after that--another friend called. Finally, at 10 pm I drifted off to sleep. (I get up at 4:00 a.m. lest you think I am an old lady.)

Around 1:53 a.m. I heard a loud, crying, whining, heavy breathing sound from outside. I thought who the "h" is outside right now and what are they doing. I groaned and rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. Not much later, I heard a POUNDING on my door. I jumped up and peeked out the window. I could see someone there, but wasn't sure who it was. I don't know what I was really thinking other than, that if someone knocks on your door you answer it.

This woman is standing at the door tweaking out bad. Fumbling through her purse looking for a paper. She asks me where Topeka is. At this point, I had three voices talking in my head. My first was my dad who always reached out to help a stranger no matter what. I felt a sliver of compassion momentarily. The second was my co-workers who are black, familiar with the area, and city savvy. They've told me I live in prostitute, drug-ridden neighborhood. I really thought everyone around here was just friendly and they were neighborhood street greeters. You know, like at Walmart. Those people just stand in the same place and say hi to everyone that walks by and they're not drug dealers or prostitutes. Hmmm...or, are they?

Anyway, my last voice was my own. It was saying--actually screaming, "You stupid lady! Don't you know I can't sleep and you just woke me up!" I didn't say that out loud. I informed her there was no Topeka here and I didn't know who Topeka was. She said, "I've got her name. I've got it right here." She was still rifling through her purse. I said, "It doesn't matter if you have her name on a piece of paper or not, I still don't know who she is!" I was starting to get irritated. "Well, can you help me find her?" Okay, I couldn't take it anymore. I said sternly, "Look lady! It's 2 o'clock in the morning and I'm in my underwear. I'm not going out to help you find somebody named Topeka. I don't know her. In fact, I don't know anyone who lives here. I couldn't even identify my neighbors by face."

Exasperation. But knew my sternness would impress upon her the need to go away. I really wasn't without compassion, it just seemed clear that she was being affected by some sort of chemical. And sadly, nowadays strangers can prove to be very dangerous. Plus, she woke me up. Shen the begged to come in and take a shower. Then, I thought things were weird and knew I was not letting her in my house. For all I know she had a knife in her purse--and I wanted my last two hours of sleep. I don't remember what I said before I slammed the door. I stomped back to bed and hoped for more sleep.

And then....the wailing and whining started again. I heard her scream, "Please God! I can't do this anymore. Won't someone help me. I can't take it anymore." Geez, I thought she's probably in bad shape--and really high. Because I'm not co-dependent anymore I didn't want to go and save her, so I rolled over and covered my head with a pillow. But not before I heard a loud knocking and banging--on my neighbors door.

P.S. My street smart friends at work who are black--all three of them--told me never to answer my door at 2 o'clock in the morning ever again. Understood boys. Eventually when I get as streetwise as they are they might stop calling me, "Utah."

3.5 days

One of the worst things--actually I take that back--THE worst thing about getting divorced is joint custody. You're kids spend half the week (3.5 days) with you and half with Dad. I am so glad they are doing so well. They're great kids and well-adjusted. I contribute alot of that to the fact that the three of them are so close. The twins are 6 and Lane is 4. They have their very own family nucleus and everything else is an extension of that.

Last night I had to take them back. Nothing can break your heart more than feeling like you don't get to be a real mom and raise your kids every day. And trying to explain to them why you can't buy them this, go there, and get that, or have air conditioning in your car. Especially when Dad lives in a big house with a pool, buys them the majority of their stuff, and the big one--he has air conditioning in his car. (Of course it's his girlfriends, but they see it as Dad's place nonetheless.) It's tough.

Every minute of pain I have, I try so hard to let it motivate and drive me to get to a better place. I have had great jobs and made a good income before and know I can do it again! Part of being a  mom--and I know this is true for almost every mom--is the tenacity and perseverance you have fighting for your kids. I've never in my life had something that has driven me so much.

Making It Work

Since I failed to write much during my six months of my marriage finally detoriating and ending in divorce, I guess I should catch up on where I'm at now. Prior to making the move to Las Vegas last April, we were living in St. George. I had a good job. We lived in a 3 bedroom home with a two car garage and a community pool. I had three siblings living in town and many, many friends.

We moved to Vegas so Brant could get his job back at ob Yesco. With the economy down, I struggled to find a decent job. I was hired at Blockbuster at an entry level. Since then, I have still been applying for jobs and am lucky if I get an interview. Of course, following that someone else is hired. A customer at Blockbuster offered me a job at his travel agency. It's a big company and has three worldwide call centers. Although more than Blockbuster, it's still only $23,000 a year. I can't believe that's all I'm making. It's been almost twenty years since I made that wage. But considering others have no job, I'm grateful.

I moved into a studio apartment. I've had people say why do you have such a small place? Don't you have three kids. Yes, I do. But it's all I can afford right now. So for the 3.5 days a week I have my kids, we get to be around each other alot! I can say we are very close. I do try to plan alot of activities outdoors--which is good for activity and keeps us out of the cramped space. The other bummer--have to use a shared laundry room. Makes me so grateful for having a washer and dryer in my house. The kids are really good sports about it and don't complain. They always tell me they want their own house with their bedrooms again. I tell them that's my dream too.

The Lane Brain

I think that's going to be my new blog name. It's a little more positive than Unhappily Ever Hibbard. I am so ready to write again! Lots has happened and I think I'm past the darkest part of the divorce. I'm not digging myself out of a whole anymore, but I am still climbing uphill. My kids are the most amazing part of my life and bring me smiles every day. Lane says, "Mom, my heart hurts when I'm not with you." I think that's how I feel about them. But always, eventually, we see each other again and it's as if no time has passed. So...not today, but soon my spewing will begin again and I'll have a new blog heading. I'm walking towards the light.

Isn't Ironic

My last post mentioning the divorce happened to be the official date the papers were entered and official. It all happened very quickly--He moved out in April and two months later--voila! A lot of people that know us both have been contacting me--surprised that we were divorced because it did happen so quickly, no one really had time to find out about it.

I don't really know what to say about it, but I feel like I want to process all of it. Alot of it I've already gone through--talking and talking and talking to friends who have been willing to listen. Fortunately, or unfortunately I have a few friends who have been through divorce. New friends and old, have offered a lot of helpful advice. I am so, so, so grateful for the support they have offered. I never had much understanding or empathy for divorcees. It seems as if you are both glad the relationship is over, then it should be easy.

We have both talked to each other alot about it over the months. We've been much better friends than we were spouses. Although, I am still not settled about how everything ended up. I certainly have had my hand in deception and failing to communicate. But knowing I was trying as hard as I could and it I couldn't compete with other interests did take its toll. Having to harbor a lot of the mistruths that were put out there have also been difficult. Do you lie for someone who betrayed you? Or, make sure the truth is known to someone who is a stranger? Where do your loyalties lie? I can't pretend to say I am loyal to the truth, because I have done my share of lying. In the end, I was loyal to the lies of the betrayor because I do believe that all truth eventually comes to the surface.

I am coming to learn that it is not up to me to right everyone elses' wrongs. I have plenty of my own to work on. I have a couple of good "Anti-Drama" friends who keep me in check when my actions start to be driven by my emotions. They're men, of course, it's so much easier for them. Emotionally, things get better every day. I am starting to get in a routine with life; adapting to not having my kids at home every day has been the hardest. But, I am working harder on myself than I ever have before and that feels good.

The chapter closes

Hmmm...have wanted to start writing again, but life hasn't been very rosy since February. I think writing is therapeutic for me, and I have debated whether or not to publish what has been happening. However, I pretty much can't keep my mouth shut, even the clerk at the gas station knows my life story. A Lane trait, I suppose.

Anyway, as Barbara Mandell sang in her hit song, D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Mine is about to be official. February was when everything started to go bad and hence the lack of blogging. I just had a hard time writing on a blog "Happily Ever Hibbard" when everything what quickly turning into Unhappily Ever Hibbard. I have to rename my blog now.

Rotten eggs, Rotten Mom

We got in the car and there was a horrendous smell. The kids and I were headed to school to drop the twins off to kindergarten. All of us were dying over the stench. I really thought it smelled like a dirty diaper. And not a fresh one, one that had been sitting for a couple of days. I know you know what I'm talking about.

I was saying to the kids, "I don't know what that smell is. It didn't smell this bad when I got out of the car last night. What could that be? Maybe the car just needs to be aired out."

We got to school and I rolled down the windows. I had to walk up with the kids so I could carry their vegetable tray they were supposed to bring for their Valentines Day class. We said goodbye--and I had to rush out as I had forgotten their Valentines at home and had to return with them. And, low and behold, my car smelled fine. Hmmm, I thought to myself--just needed to be aired out. I rolled up the windows and headed back home.

Later that day...Madison and Porter come home from school. Madison says, "Mom, we figured out what that smell was. When I got into class Ms. Hauser said, 'What is that smell?' She started smelling around the room and her nose led her straight to my backpack. She said, 'Madi, that smell is coming from your backpack.' So we opened it up and there was a bag full of some kind of yellow stuff and boy did it stink!"

I could not stop laughing. I realized what had happened. A couple of days ago I was rushing the kids out the door so that I could get them to Grandma's before work. I try to let the kids wake up on their own so they don't get tired in school. For some reason Madison woke up late, which is really unusual. I had make scrambled eggs for the boys so I threw some in a bag and told Madi to eat them at Grandma's. Apparently, she did not. I think I'm out of the running for Mother of the year....and it's only February.

FREE Carseat Canopy

This is a killer deal. Get a FREE carseat canopy. It is retailing for $50, you get it free but you must use PROMO CODE: cute4u at www.carseatcanopy.com It covers the seat, has a detachable shade that can also be used as a blanket. I got one for a friend’s baby shower. Pass this along to new moms, I don’t know how long they are offering the discount.

Post this on your blogs so that all Mom's you know can take advantage of this offer.

Kid-isms

These are just random conversations I have had with my kids. Nothing earth shattering, just something that will be fun to laugh about in 20 years.
* * * * *
I have often referred to the internet when I can't find something, need a recipe, or had to find a way to get a sliver out of Porters foot without hurting him. One time I couldn't figure something out and Madison said, "Mom, why don't you go ask the computer."
* * * * *
I asked Porter how he liked being five years old and if he was looking forward to turning six. He said, "It's fine. I just thought I would be a lot older when I was five." I told him that doesn't change much. Every age I looked forward to, I thought I was going to be a lot older. In fact, I was sure that by my forties I would be really, really, old. And I'm not! Unless you ask my kids.
* * * * *
Madison likes to give me "a makeover" with her makeup she got for Christmas. It is a palette of clown colors. I have my eyeliner and mascara in my purse so I was just going to finish up in the car. I only had on eyeshadow so I'm sure I looked a little different. I was walking out the door and Madison said, "Uh, Mom...are you wearing my makeup?"
* * * * *
We FINALLY got a dining room table. The kids have been eating at a little miniature kids table and it is really hard to even have room for their plates and cups. I was really excited about the table too, so I have been making an effort to have real meals. After the first time, Madison said to me, "Mom, that was so fun. Can we do it again?" I said, "What?" She said, "You know....have real family dinners."
* * * * *
On the way to school one day we had this conversation:
Madi: Mom, is Nephi real?
Before I could even answer, Porter said, "Of course he's real! Madi."
I interjected and explained that yes he was real. He just lived a really, really long time ago. Before houses, air conditioning, roads and cars, and even cell phones.
Madi: Well, if they didn't have phones then how did they call people when they wanted to talk to them?
* * * * *
Brant and I were arguing, well just a simple disagreement. Lane came and put both hands on my cheeks, like he always does. He made me look him in the eye and then he said, "Mom, just walk away." He's so funny. He always breaks the tension.

3 months already?

Can't believe how fast time goes by. I missed blogging about Thanksgiving, Christmas, and New Years. Not much happened, just the usual. Actually, I can't really remember so that's why I can't write about it. And, that's why I have to write as things happen or I will forget. I've read stuff on my blog from a couple of years ago and don't even remember some of it.

So to update...

About Madison--I hope she doesn't read this until she's older. We had a high hopes of her being our intellectual child. She is struggling at school much more than Porter. Her teacher talked to us about how slow she is with her work and that she is constantly having to nag her to finish. She has an uncanny ability to memorize, so she will memorize her book assignments instead of actually reading them. Which, I guess works out okay if she can learn to memorize each word. She hates sounding out letters and just wants to know what the word says.

She is still headstrong and loves Barbie and Princesses. She is determined that she is going to be a firefighter when she grows up. She is a total Daddy's girl and wants Jayley to be her older sister. Not sure why since she has only met Jayley a couple of times. Maybe because she heard that Jayley was Dad's first-best girl before she was born.

She can be extremely helpful--can be the operative words. She is either a pain in the arse or a loving, sweet little girl. No in between for her. I enjoy her the most when it is just the two of us. She loves to talk forever and especially to me. She has been planning the next Fathers and Sons outing for the last three months--yes it does not happen until May. Reason being, we were able to have a girl party while they were gone. She was so excited she can't wait for those boys to leave. I thought she was going to feel left out because they went and she couldn't.

P.S. She has developed a terribly annoying laugh.

Porter is such as sweet boy. He loves everyone and everything so much. He is complimentary, sensitive and caring. To illustrate, we were watching a music video on YouTube about the Savior and what if he came to your door today. How would you react, what would you do differently. Porter said, "I would do anything different. I would do the same thing." Truer words could not be spoken. He truly is living the way he should be.

Today I was showing the boys a faster way to butter toast. Porter said, "Mom, you are really good at buttering toast." He is always full of compliments. I feel bad about getting frustrated a Porter the most. When I lose my temper, I always feel like I should apologize to him. He is kind hearted. He hates to go to bed at night and hates to get woke up in the morning. I started playing a Christmas Cd for him at night to go to sleep. It has all Christian music which is very soothing and spiritual. Two songs are from Josh Groban, so you get the idea. Porter told me his favorite song was about the baby. (Away in a Manger).

Porter says he wants be a lawyer so he can protect people that need help. Not sure about that one, but he's going a couple more decades to decide.

Porter is doing great in school. He has caught on so quick and really digs into his school work. He is above average in most of his learning. He keeps asking me to teach him Spanish because all of the "brown" kids at school can speak it. Uh...what do you say to that. I am going to try to get a copy of Rosetta Stone from Grandpa Smith.

Both Porter and Madison want to know who to do everything. They are proud that they can rinse dishes, make toast/cinnamon toast, top ramen, oatmeal, and cold cereal by themselves. I am happy I can sleep while they do that. Their primary president stopped me in church and told me we could never move out of the ward. She adores the twins and said that primary would not be the same without the two of them. I don't know if she was just being nice or not, but I'll take that. Most people in the ward tell us that.

Lane, Lane, Laner. Where do I start? He is a handful. He is so full of jokes and laughs and giggles. The party really doesn't start until he gets there. The kids love him and we all could just stand around and watch him for entertainment. He is also very diplomatic. He tells me I am his best friend when he is alone with me and he tells Brant he is his best friend when he is alone with him. When we get together and call him on it, he snuggles between both of us, puts a hand on both of our faces and pulls us close. Then he says, guys we're all best friends.

When the kids are in school and I'm not working we get to have alone time. It is so much fun. I love to hang out with him. He will talk and talk and talk when he has my full attention. I usually take him on errands as one is much easier than two. We were out the other day and a security guard was talking to us. He looked down ant Lane and said, "Are you her bodyguard." I could tell he was mad when he didn't say anything and looked away. We chuckled. After we walked away, Lane said, "That guy hurt my feelings." I said, "Why?" He said, "Because he called me a Potty Guard. I don't potty all day." I tried not to laugh and explained what a bodyguard was and that he was giving him a compliment because he looked so big and strong.

Lane will sneak into bed with me any chance he gets. I wake up with him cuddled up next to me all of the time. I don't mind. Lane is the biggest Momma's boy--more so than Porter if you can imagine. He says I am his best friend...wait he says that to everyone. Lane is a touch little cookie, he takes a beating. He got hit in the face with a baseball bat. He has bruises from his eye to his cheekbone. I'll have to take a picture before the bruises go away. He was playing with the neighbor kids at Rhonda's. One of the boys was swinging a bat...and you know the rest of the story.

Other than that, Brant and I work most of the time. Thank goodness for Rhonda who takes the kids all of the time. The kids adore her. She is so amazing with them. The biggest problem we have is she so much more righteous than the rest of us. So the kids will correct us on our behavior because of what grandma taught them. Oh boy! We have a lot of work to do to get where grandma is. Good thing she's around to set a better example.