I feel the need to write, yet I don't have anything specific to write about. Writing helps me make sense of everything and get through life. It is how I can express in words the emotions I have such a hard time expressing in real life.
It's hard to make sense of life. When you're young, adults are always giving you advice and telling you the best way to go and how to do it. Adults make life look easy. Now that I'm an adult, I think kids make life look easy. So much has changed in my lifetime. I can't imagine how folks that are much older than me must feel.
Here I am, 5 o'clock in the morning, typing in the dark because my babies are asleep and I can't turn on a light in this studio apartment. I usually wake up at 4, so it's like I've slept in! This chapter in my life has been an adventure, that's for sure. I look back at the successes in my life and remember really feeling proud of myself for getting to the top of the mountain. I remember moments of feeling like I was at the end of the road. All I had to do now was enjoy the ride. I remember feeling content because I had my little family and everything--several times--seemed to be heading in the right direction.
Then, in just the last 18 months, my income has dwindled, I don't live in a house anymore, I'm divorced, I hardly see my kids, the prospect of being a stay-at-home mom has slipped through the cracks, I've had to think about dating, (think being the operative word) and although I liked to claim responsibility for my success, I really want to find someone to blame for my circumstances. Because, surely it cannot be me. Lol.
This morning on FB, a friend posted about her sister who had committed suicide a year ago today. She didn't hesitate to step in and take over the responsibility of an 8 year old nephew. She's only 21. A high school friend posted being grateful her daughter survived a rare disease. I'm so happy for her! It's the same one that took the life of my niece a little over a year ago. I'm approaching the anniversary date of my friend who took his life last year. Christmas for the past 12 years has been a sad reminder of my cousin who passed away a week before Christmas. I went to his daughter's wedding earlier this summer.
Death, the economy, politics, lack of spirituality, drugs, promiscuity, disease, breaking up of family values, poor health--all have touched everyone in some way. So many people are suffering, yet so many people are also surviving. The Bible talks about the wheat being separated from the tares. I always imagined the wheat "people" prospering and living the good life without pain or suffering and blessed for their righteousness. I imagined the tares wallowing in self-misery, having nothing, penniless and lonely. Righteous choices really have nothing to do with it. Adversity is really a blessing, not a curse.
The faces of the people around us, mask so much. Sometimes for good. Some of the happiest people I know have harbored the biggest tragedies. Some people I know who give and serve and sacrifice have the most horrific health problems. Although money does buy a lot of comfort and material things, it's not the source of happiness.
So many people have reached out to me without me even asking for it! Without my current struggles, I would have never been able to get a glimpse at the personal strength and kindness these people possess. I have touched a vein of humility in myself that I did not know existed. I know some of you who have helped me are reading this and you don't even realize you've helped me. It's a smile, a quick email, a listening ear, words of advice, or a simple cheering me on. I feel so much love and I feel the prayers said on my behalf. So many small things that keep me going. You may not see yourself as my hero, but I do. Keep it up! Not just with me, but with everyone. Small acts of kindness make everlasting ripples in an ocean. Your acts have inspired me to be more aware of people around me who need a ray of sunshine in their life.
In all of this turmoil in my life, I feel as if things in my life are like the wheat being separated from the tares. I see goodness in things I would have never recognized before. I feel love from people that have been distance friends. I'm being blessed in ways I never would have, had I not experienced pain and suffering. Don't get me wrong, my problems are miniscule in comparison to the problems that others face especially with health or death.
Life is a mess. Life is a miracle. Life is the best thing that could ever happen, and the worst. Life is hard, but parts of it are easy. Life is a gift that can be taken back. Life doesn't make sense, but at some moments things are crystal clear. Life can't be lived alone. We need each other too much. Life is light...and dark. I have fewer answers at 42 then I ever did at 14. My answers can't keep up with the questions. We just keep living one day at a time until there are no more days left. You have to find the inner peace that calms the outer storm. I just hope by the time it's all over, I can look back and feel good about my life. And, know that I was taught important lessons and reached out to others.
Live well. Life is good.
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