And The Balloon Pops

[continued]

I've scrambled to come up with a new plan and attacked it furiously. I've minimized my expenses to $1,200 a month including $200 for food and $130 for bus passes. For that, I am proud of myself. I did have to eliminate my smartphone completely, but in reality no one calls and there's no one I can't reach online. In fact, that's how 99% of my communication is done anyway. I can Skype anyone else I need to call. I have an appointment to donate plasma tomorrow and I've got about $100 worth of stuff to sell on Ebay. I have to email my attorney and break the news to her. I owe her a lot of money, and she earned every penny of it.

I know everything will work out, because I have 42 years of experience watching it work out. It's just a lot harder when you have three children and are shackled to this wretched town. Every time, something always comes around that is better. It's the time from the disappointment to that new exciting thing that is dark and and keeps me blinded. But, I do know something great is on the horizon.

And if it wasn't for darn kids who have the sweetest of little hearts, it would be easy to just take care of myself and take the first bus out of town. Unfortunately, you can't hide as much financial stress from them as you'd like. They do notice when you don't have a car anymore. But they are very adventurous and think the bus is very cool. Porter said, "Mom, we're like the poor people now, aren't we? I mean not poor like the poor people that don't have a house; just poor like the people who don't have cars and have to ride the bus." Madison said, "Does this mean we don't get to order anything when we go to McDonald's now? You know like we did last year?" They are really adaptable and don't mean to drown me in guilt with my own feelings of failure.

Porter sweetly asked, "Mom, if you could have anything right now what would it be?" I said, "Porter, things can't bring  you happiness. Whether you have 'things' or not you still have a choice to be happy." He replied, "Oh, I thought you would said you wanted a car since you don't have one anymore."

Lane asked if the bathroom could be his room since he doesn't have his own room. He slept in the bathtub the last two nights after filling it with blankets and pillows. Those things are probably fun to them, but torture me. They've asked why we don't have apple juice anymore. Another slice of the knife cuts into me. I already asked before everything happened if they could wait a couple weeks after school started before I bought them clothes. They were so gracious and said we already have clothes! I bought new shoes for Madison and Porter, but had to skip them for Lane. Unfortunately, Porter's came a half a size to small so Lane inherited them. But, Porter has assumed the role of "man of the house" an honor he takes much too seriously for his young age. He takes it in stride and asks if I want the money in his piggy bank to help. Pouring vinegar on the wound.

If nothing else, this gives me something to write about and as much as I am wallowing in my disappointment, it is just that. If I owned a mansion and an Escalade and died tomorrow, I'd still be buried in the ground. I was so frustrated over everything I spoke my mind and probably shouldn't. I told the kids I feel bad because I can't give them things they want. Porter said, "Mom, all we want is you and we have that." And all I want is them, and I have that.