I choose...

Have you ever noticed that choices you are anguishing over don't seem to be hard decisions for other people on the outside looking in? I guess it's because whatever the dilemma--it's not a challenge for them. It's debilitating to realize this is an area that you haven't made good choices in the past and the road it leads you down isn't always the best. But when you haven't been able to make up for your incompetency, you still are handicapped about making good, healthy choices.

I guess no matter how old we all get, we still have those areas that we need to work on. I have a best friend that always tries to steer me in the right direction--because she's really good at the area I am weak in. But sometimes I don't relate to what she's saying. I don't get why what I'm doing may not be the best way. Wow! How did I get to be 41 (for ten more days) and not get some things that are simple for everyone else.

I made a choice. I don't know if it's the right one, but I'm sticking with it. I'm nervous about it. Some things I like to ignore and then let life choose me. But life is getting shorter not longer. So I guess I have to try to grow up and not act like a whimsical 14 year old. I might be growing up...just kidding.

Super duper dimple cute

I love all of my children equally. They are each so special in their own way. But Lane seems to steal my heart so often with his overwhelming cuteness. Monday's are especially special. It's my day off from work and we take the twins to first grade in the morning and then have the rest of the day together. Sometimes we run errands or go grocery shopping. And sometimes I take him to the Burger King that's within walking distance of my apartment so he can play. But we always have one-on-one time and that's what is so special to me. Today we went grocery shopping, then to Blockbuster because he loves the Spy Kids series. We have 1 and 2 at home, but he's been begging to see Spy Kids 3. Which he actually has already seen, but we don't have at home.

We got it and he begged me for cuddle time. The one thing he only does when no one else is around. He basically likes me to hold him and wrap us both in blankets while we either talk or watch movies, TV, etc. He always tells me cuddle time is his favorite time. For anyone who knows me, lying in bed doing nothing is like pure torture. I can't hold still and am always wanting to get something done as I feel it's a waste of time to lie in bed. But my sweet little angel boy can talk me into anything.

He is fascinated by flowers and always picks them for me anytime he sees one. He says these are for you Mom! He told me that one time he had a dream that he was with me and we were in the most beautiful garden of flowers he had ever seen. He loved it. I said, "We weren't in Heaven were we?" He said no, just a place with a lot of beautiful flowers. I told him we were going to the grocery store, but he wanted go to the grocery store by grandma's house. I explained that Smith's was Smith's and we were headed to one by my house. He insisted on Grandma's Smith's. But, I explained we were already by ours and wanted to know why he wanted to go there. He said, "They have the most beautiful flowers and flowers remind me of you."

Unfortunately, we were too close to my Smith's and went there. We got out of the car and he said, "Do you notice they don't have any flowers here. That's why I like the other one." He's so adorable. When we got home and we were having cuddle time and watching Spy Kids 3 together, he said, "How much do you love me, Mom?" I said, "I love you more than anything else in this whole world. If a truck were going to hit you I would push you out of the way to save you." He said, "Would you die, Mom?" I said, "Yes, but I would give my life for yours." He said, "I wouldn't do that for you, but I do love you more than anything else in this whole world!"

I told him that the had the the cutest dimples I had ever seen. He said, I know Mom. I said do you even know what dimples are? He said, no, but I know I'm cute cause you always tell me I am. He's so excited that I have changed my last name to Lane. He likes to pull my wallet out and read my name. He says we're both the Lanes in the family.

Life can be a challenge, but days and moments like this make everything you have worth fighting for. God blesses me with angels, and I'm proud they are my children who inspire me to be better and to fight for the best I can offer them. I'm thankful for my angels.

The Doctor Is In

"Porter, what is up with you lately? You seem to be misbehaving a lot," I commented.

 "No, I'm not!"

"Then why are you so mean and you keep name calling and teasing? That's not like you. You are usually my sweetest, nicest child."

"I don't know," he responded.

"I think I need to get you to a therapist," I teased.

"What's a therapist?" he asked.

"Someone who figures out how you're feeling and why you are behaving the way you are."

 "That sounds boring," he said.

"I actually already got you one and she turned into a fly and she's been following you around."

"No wonder there's always a fly in my classroom!" he exclaimed.

"Yep, that's her and she's already told me a lot of things about you."

"What! What did she say?"

"She said you have not been getting enough attention from me lately and that's why you're acting out. And, she said that you used to be the 'Mama's Boy' but Lane has edged his way into your spot.. So you feel like I like him more. And Madison and I have the girl thing going, so you feel a little left out. You're just trying to get me to notice you more too."

"She told you that?"

"Yep. What do you think? Is she right or should I fire her?"

"Um, yea...kinda."

"Is that how you feel?"

"Well Lane does get all of the attention and I don't think you like me as much."

"That's why she told me I need to show you more how much I already love you."

"She's really not a fly?" he questioned.

"No she's not and I'm really your therapist. I suspected that's what you were feeling."

"But how did you know that?"

"Cause mom's are secretly great therapists for their kids and they know them more than anyone else does. I will always know more than you think! Now go to bed! It's 45 minutes past your bedtime."

"Will you cuddle with me?"

"Of course, but I might turn into a fly."

Positively positive

One of my best, best, best friends in the whole world called me today. He is one of the most positive, motivational people I know. No matter what happens in life, he's got a smile on his face and a kind word. We were discussing how many people have been affected by the economy and how many people we know (including ourselves) are making less now than we were 15 to 20 years ago.

There have been a lot of lessons to learn out of this hardship. Some people are resilient; some people get depressed; and others find opportunity and make lemons out of lemonade. I'm not going to lie, I'm down more than I have ever been in my life. But each day keeps getting better and better. There are so many cliche things said about a positive mental attitude, fake it til you make it, or fail forward. But they really are true. Some of my personal heroes in life have gone through the most devastating experiences a parent could go through and yet remained happy, joyful, and giving. We are not really tested until we see who were are in really hard times. It's a reminder to me to gauge my own attitude during life's hardships.

"What lies before us, and what lies behind us, are tiny matters compared to what lies within us." --Oliver Wendell Holmes

Moses' Couch

Death is such a hard part of life. As adults it is so hard to understand. It's no wonder children are just as confused. Watching my brother and his wife lose their sweet little angel to cancer at age 3 was and still is one of the most devastating life experiences I have ever had. I can't imagine how they have lived through it.

When an old friend of mine approached me about helping him publish a children's book, I was really excited to help him. It's a beautifully written story about a young boy who loses his mother. The whole intent of the book is to help children gain a better understanding of death and what happens when we lose someone. As he has written it, I have read it to my children. Surprisingly, they sit quiet and listen intently. They're really into the story. And little Madi, bless her heart, said, "Mom I don't understand what happens when people die either. When Ari (my niece) died I was so sad. I really miss her and sometimes I cry at night because I miss her a lot."

It's a privilege to be a part of this and I'm looking forward to the book being finished. Here's an excerpt:

"He looked up into the sky and saw what his Mommy called God’s Flashlight. It was one of those beams of light that comes through the dark clouds. She had told him when somebody in Heaven is looking for you they turn on their flashlight and look down. People on earth think it looks like a beam of sunlight coming through the clouds, but really it’s God’s flashlight. He wondered if it was his Mommy looking for him. He took his little toy flashlight he used to trick the cat with and shined it back as if to say here I am, please just come back mommy. Then the strangest thing happened. The beam of light coming from the sky got even brighter as if it was just pointed right at him. It was almost blinding and then all at once it was gone. He knew his Mom had found him. That was the first time he felt a little bit happy since the day she left."

(You have to get further into the book to see why it's titled "Moses' Couch.")

October weather in Vegas

Can I tell you how elated I am that its only going to be in the 90s this week. Yeah! I really don't mind the heat when I have car air conditioning, but this summer was hot, hot, hot. This winter will be save, save, save for a new compressor.

Okay, he's that into me

Postcript to yesterday's post. Remember what I said about regretting my text today? Yeah...well the gist of the text was you don't like me anymore because you didn't want me to help you. And since you don't like me anymore I don't think we should see each other anymore. Thanks, it was a lot of fun, but I'm done peace out.

It really sounded a lot better than that and made perfect sense yesterday. ...but very stupid sounding when I had to explain to a grown man, who was completely confused about what I was trying to say. Bottom line, I told him I felt like we were disconnecting and things weren't the same and I figured he was wanting to end things anyway. I also mentioned that I didn't feel like we were even friends anymore.

After he got done looking at me like I was a moron, he said it really hurt to hear me say we weren't friends because he considered us to be very close friends and how much he likes to be with me. So then I felt dumb. He explained how busy he's been lately--which is true--a couple of major things he's had to deal with. And last night, he didn't really want my help because there was a football game on. He made me "un-dump" him. Did I mention I felt dumb?

Sometimes stuff in a text doesn't sound as smart when you read it out loud. So we're friends again, with a promise we'll do more friend stuff once his other stuff is taken care of. Guess I'm not much better at relationships then I was 20 years ago. I could use some improvement in the communication department.

Say My Name, say my name

It's taken a couple of months, but I finally completed the last step to getting my name changed back to Elizabeth Lane. It's the final step to feeling like I got myself back completely. Interesting how much a name can mean and how shedding a man's last name feels empowering. All symbolic but freedom nonetheless.

I couldn't believe the effort it took. In order to change my drivers license I had to have a copy of the divorce decree with the judges approval to restore my name back to it's original. The social security office was a little harder. Makes me wonder how people who are not U.S. citizens can get them so easily. They wouldn't accept a copy of my divorce decree even though I had a state issued drivers license with my name and photo on it. I also had my birth certificate with my name on it. Subsequently, I had to go to the Family Court and pay $10 to just for an official stamp on my divorce decree. And, had to make a second trip to wait in line at the social security office. But now I'm back!

He's just not that into me

Relationships are a new adventure. You know how you always say, I wish I knew what I know now when I was a teenager, dating, and figuring boys out. When you get divorced, you're single and you have the "know then what you know now." But it's still not easy and walking the talk can be hard.

I've been dating this guy and we went through the happy to be with you all the time stage...blah, blah, blah. Today he turned me down to come and help him with something he really needs help with. It hurt my feelings because it was a really lame excuse. He said he was a giver, not a taker--thus the decline. Really? It's been dwindling; I've seen it coming. The excitement has been waning. You know that stage when you start getting back to what you were before him? The thing is, I think I was a lot more into him then he was into me. So when he turned me down, I decided to just cut the ties. A little brash you think? I think I was just reading what he was writing on the wall. I gave him--well text him the "I think we should be friends."

Maybe I'm lame. Maybe the one thing I learned was to quit before you get fired. Maybe I'll regret my "hasta lluego" text tomorrow. But I really think I just got a jump start on the inevitable, because he's really not that into me.

Knock, knock, who's there?

I have trouble sleeping. I'm told it's my age, but like to believe it's something else. I used to sleep like a rock as a teenager. I could sleep on a hard floor--and that's no lie. But now, every couple of hours I tend to gain consciousness even if only momentarily.

I have prescription sleep pills that work great, but I hesitate to use them. If I take one and am undisturbed, it's a beautiful thing. But, if someone wakes me--or calls me in the case of a couple of days ago--I will do incredible things and can't remember most of it. I had a 30 minute conversation with a friend. I can barely remember what was said, but apparently I was going to cash a $30 check and drive to St. George. I also woke up and found three different text conversations going around the exact same time the night before. My thumbs must have been flying. They were actually highly intelligent and well-written. I have to say some of my ideas were brilliant. I just can't remember texting. But that's a whole other post.

Back to me and my sleep problem. I went to bed last night and refused to take a pill. I didn't want a repeat of the night before, and as I always try to do I convince myself that I'm not in need of medication. Of course, I went to sleep around 7:30--a friend called. Shortly after that--another friend called. Finally, at 10 pm I drifted off to sleep. (I get up at 4:00 a.m. lest you think I am an old lady.)

Around 1:53 a.m. I heard a loud, crying, whining, heavy breathing sound from outside. I thought who the "h" is outside right now and what are they doing. I groaned and rolled over and tried to go back to sleep. Not much later, I heard a POUNDING on my door. I jumped up and peeked out the window. I could see someone there, but wasn't sure who it was. I don't know what I was really thinking other than, that if someone knocks on your door you answer it.

This woman is standing at the door tweaking out bad. Fumbling through her purse looking for a paper. She asks me where Topeka is. At this point, I had three voices talking in my head. My first was my dad who always reached out to help a stranger no matter what. I felt a sliver of compassion momentarily. The second was my co-workers who are black, familiar with the area, and city savvy. They've told me I live in prostitute, drug-ridden neighborhood. I really thought everyone around here was just friendly and they were neighborhood street greeters. You know, like at Walmart. Those people just stand in the same place and say hi to everyone that walks by and they're not drug dealers or prostitutes. Hmmm...or, are they?

Anyway, my last voice was my own. It was saying--actually screaming, "You stupid lady! Don't you know I can't sleep and you just woke me up!" I didn't say that out loud. I informed her there was no Topeka here and I didn't know who Topeka was. She said, "I've got her name. I've got it right here." She was still rifling through her purse. I said, "It doesn't matter if you have her name on a piece of paper or not, I still don't know who she is!" I was starting to get irritated. "Well, can you help me find her?" Okay, I couldn't take it anymore. I said sternly, "Look lady! It's 2 o'clock in the morning and I'm in my underwear. I'm not going out to help you find somebody named Topeka. I don't know her. In fact, I don't know anyone who lives here. I couldn't even identify my neighbors by face."

Exasperation. But knew my sternness would impress upon her the need to go away. I really wasn't without compassion, it just seemed clear that she was being affected by some sort of chemical. And sadly, nowadays strangers can prove to be very dangerous. Plus, she woke me up. Shen the begged to come in and take a shower. Then, I thought things were weird and knew I was not letting her in my house. For all I know she had a knife in her purse--and I wanted my last two hours of sleep. I don't remember what I said before I slammed the door. I stomped back to bed and hoped for more sleep.

And then....the wailing and whining started again. I heard her scream, "Please God! I can't do this anymore. Won't someone help me. I can't take it anymore." Geez, I thought she's probably in bad shape--and really high. Because I'm not co-dependent anymore I didn't want to go and save her, so I rolled over and covered my head with a pillow. But not before I heard a loud knocking and banging--on my neighbors door.

P.S. My street smart friends at work who are black--all three of them--told me never to answer my door at 2 o'clock in the morning ever again. Understood boys. Eventually when I get as streetwise as they are they might stop calling me, "Utah."

3.5 days

One of the worst things--actually I take that back--THE worst thing about getting divorced is joint custody. You're kids spend half the week (3.5 days) with you and half with Dad. I am so glad they are doing so well. They're great kids and well-adjusted. I contribute alot of that to the fact that the three of them are so close. The twins are 6 and Lane is 4. They have their very own family nucleus and everything else is an extension of that.

Last night I had to take them back. Nothing can break your heart more than feeling like you don't get to be a real mom and raise your kids every day. And trying to explain to them why you can't buy them this, go there, and get that, or have air conditioning in your car. Especially when Dad lives in a big house with a pool, buys them the majority of their stuff, and the big one--he has air conditioning in his car. (Of course it's his girlfriends, but they see it as Dad's place nonetheless.) It's tough.

Every minute of pain I have, I try so hard to let it motivate and drive me to get to a better place. I have had great jobs and made a good income before and know I can do it again! Part of being a  mom--and I know this is true for almost every mom--is the tenacity and perseverance you have fighting for your kids. I've never in my life had something that has driven me so much.

Making It Work

Since I failed to write much during my six months of my marriage finally detoriating and ending in divorce, I guess I should catch up on where I'm at now. Prior to making the move to Las Vegas last April, we were living in St. George. I had a good job. We lived in a 3 bedroom home with a two car garage and a community pool. I had three siblings living in town and many, many friends.

We moved to Vegas so Brant could get his job back at ob Yesco. With the economy down, I struggled to find a decent job. I was hired at Blockbuster at an entry level. Since then, I have still been applying for jobs and am lucky if I get an interview. Of course, following that someone else is hired. A customer at Blockbuster offered me a job at his travel agency. It's a big company and has three worldwide call centers. Although more than Blockbuster, it's still only $23,000 a year. I can't believe that's all I'm making. It's been almost twenty years since I made that wage. But considering others have no job, I'm grateful.

I moved into a studio apartment. I've had people say why do you have such a small place? Don't you have three kids. Yes, I do. But it's all I can afford right now. So for the 3.5 days a week I have my kids, we get to be around each other alot! I can say we are very close. I do try to plan alot of activities outdoors--which is good for activity and keeps us out of the cramped space. The other bummer--have to use a shared laundry room. Makes me so grateful for having a washer and dryer in my house. The kids are really good sports about it and don't complain. They always tell me they want their own house with their bedrooms again. I tell them that's my dream too.

The Lane Brain

I think that's going to be my new blog name. It's a little more positive than Unhappily Ever Hibbard. I am so ready to write again! Lots has happened and I think I'm past the darkest part of the divorce. I'm not digging myself out of a whole anymore, but I am still climbing uphill. My kids are the most amazing part of my life and bring me smiles every day. Lane says, "Mom, my heart hurts when I'm not with you." I think that's how I feel about them. But always, eventually, we see each other again and it's as if no time has passed. So...not today, but soon my spewing will begin again and I'll have a new blog heading. I'm walking towards the light.

Isn't Ironic

My last post mentioning the divorce happened to be the official date the papers were entered and official. It all happened very quickly--He moved out in April and two months later--voila! A lot of people that know us both have been contacting me--surprised that we were divorced because it did happen so quickly, no one really had time to find out about it.

I don't really know what to say about it, but I feel like I want to process all of it. Alot of it I've already gone through--talking and talking and talking to friends who have been willing to listen. Fortunately, or unfortunately I have a few friends who have been through divorce. New friends and old, have offered a lot of helpful advice. I am so, so, so grateful for the support they have offered. I never had much understanding or empathy for divorcees. It seems as if you are both glad the relationship is over, then it should be easy.

We have both talked to each other alot about it over the months. We've been much better friends than we were spouses. Although, I am still not settled about how everything ended up. I certainly have had my hand in deception and failing to communicate. But knowing I was trying as hard as I could and it I couldn't compete with other interests did take its toll. Having to harbor a lot of the mistruths that were put out there have also been difficult. Do you lie for someone who betrayed you? Or, make sure the truth is known to someone who is a stranger? Where do your loyalties lie? I can't pretend to say I am loyal to the truth, because I have done my share of lying. In the end, I was loyal to the lies of the betrayor because I do believe that all truth eventually comes to the surface.

I am coming to learn that it is not up to me to right everyone elses' wrongs. I have plenty of my own to work on. I have a couple of good "Anti-Drama" friends who keep me in check when my actions start to be driven by my emotions. They're men, of course, it's so much easier for them. Emotionally, things get better every day. I am starting to get in a routine with life; adapting to not having my kids at home every day has been the hardest. But, I am working harder on myself than I ever have before and that feels good.

The chapter closes

Hmmm...have wanted to start writing again, but life hasn't been very rosy since February. I think writing is therapeutic for me, and I have debated whether or not to publish what has been happening. However, I pretty much can't keep my mouth shut, even the clerk at the gas station knows my life story. A Lane trait, I suppose.

Anyway, as Barbara Mandell sang in her hit song, D-I-V-O-R-C-E. Mine is about to be official. February was when everything started to go bad and hence the lack of blogging. I just had a hard time writing on a blog "Happily Ever Hibbard" when everything what quickly turning into Unhappily Ever Hibbard. I have to rename my blog now.