The Bus Stops Here: You Only Die Once

A tall, heavyset man stood alone, watching his son climb a brick wall to chase after my son, Lane, who had already been walking up and down the three-foot retaining wall, pretending to balance like he was on a tightrope high in the air.

Lane and I had just trekked the last mile to school after a 25-minute bus ride from our house. The man and I were the only parents waiting outside the gate. I wasn’t feeling especially talkative—social anxiety, the usual—but I felt like I should say something. It was the start of a new school year, and I regretted not getting to know more parents when the twins were in kindergarten. It had gotten harder over time. The other parents grew more familiar with each other, and I felt more like an outsider.

I hesitated, weighing whether to start a conversation. His hair was slicked to his head with sweat beneath a worn baseball cap, and he looked like he could really use a haircut. At least 6'3", he wore a shirt that had to be a triple XL, stretched over a round belly. He was a big man, but evenly built.

“What’s your son’s name?” I asked.

“Ethan,” he said quietly. He was polite, answering softly. We chatted as we watched the boys play, and after a few minutes, I offered, “I’m Liz.”

“Brian,” he volunteered.

“Is Ethan your first? Or do you have other kids?”

“I have an eight-year-old and a nine-year-old,” he said.

We kept talking—about school, the kids, the chaos of mornings. I mentioned how lucky I’d been to have a mother-in-law who worked with my kids so they were more than ready for kindergarten.

“My wife worked with them a little bit,” he said. “I didn’t do much.”

“Oh, does your wife stay home with the kids?” I asked.

He pressed his lips together and gave the slightest shake of his head. “No. Not anymore.”

There was a pause. He looked down for a second. “She died. She’s not here anymore.”

I felt the floor shift a little under me. I tried to stay steady, even in moments like this. “How did she die?” I asked gently.

“She overdosed in June,” Brian said. He let out a long breath, like he was finally saying it out loud.

I was stunned. “I’m so sorry to hear that,” was all I could manage.

“Yeah…” he nodded slowly, almost like he was agreeing with me, or with himself, or with no one at all.

“How’s Ethan handling it? He’s so young.”

Brian’s face tightened, and his eyes glossed over. I thought maybe he was going to cry. Then he let out another big breath.

“They’re actually doing pretty well,” he said, voice barely above a whisper. “I’m not doing so good though.”

There it was. The break in the dam.

I tried to steer us out of the heavy silence. “Do you have help? Anyone supporting you with the kids?”

“No one,” he said. Still in the storm. And I got it. In Vegas, so many of us live without ties, floating just above survival.

“That must be really hard,” I said. I hesitated, then added, “Look, I work from home… and if you ever need someone to watch the kids—” I trailed off. I didn’t even have a car. I lived in a studio apartment. What could I really offer?

But then I remembered how I was raised. My parents always said, share what you have. Don’t leave until the work is done. Maybe this wasn’t exactly that kind of moment—but I knew what my dad would have done.

So I straightened up and said it again, more firmly. “No, really. If you ever need help, I’d be happy to. I can only imagine how hard it is.”

He nodded, lips tight again. More parents began to gather as the gate opened. We called to our boys, gave them hugs, and watched them disappear into the schoolyard. Kindergarten goodbyes.

I started to rush for the bus but stopped and turned back. “I wish I could say something,” I said. “‘Good luck,’ or ‘Hang in there’—but really, there aren’t any words that make it better, are there?”

Brian looked at me, softer this time. “No,” he said. And for the first time, I saw empathy in his eyes—for me.

“Well,” I said, “don’t be a stranger. And have as good a day as you possibly can.”

He smiled politely and whispered, “Thank you.”

As I walked toward the bus stop, I thought, I’m so glad I have my trials, and not someone else’s. I looked at the people passing by and wondered—what are they carrying? What hurts in their world today?

Everyone is hiding something behind their smile.

We should all be a little kinder.

__________________________

The Bus Stops Here series started because for a time I did not have a car and would take public transportation. I had the opportunity to have rare glimpses into random lives of every day people. I feel like taking a moment to understand someone else's life helps me to closely examine my own. Every person has a story, a lesson, a legacy. Though I don't always meet people at the bus stop anymore, I do still find the lives of every day people fascinating and love to share their stories.

American Sign Language from Alive!Utah August Column

Checkout my August Column in Alive! Utah at: http://aliveutah.com/american-sign-language/

Why is it that I have a tendency to laugh when things go wrong? I’m surprised it hasn’t gotten me into more trouble. I pulled out of a parking lot onto the street–cautiously I might add–and apparently pulled in front of someone who did not want me there. I’ll argue I had plenty of time to reach the appropriate speed before she came roaring up behind me and that she was going much faster than she should have and immediately laid on the horn. She jerked to the left (which was completely unnecessary and overdramatic) and then continued to weave around a car in the left lane and pull back in front of me. Apparently, a great multi-tasker, she was still able to do this while still and honking. It appears that she also has some familiarity with sign language, as she was able to convey to me her dissatisfaction with my actions through one single hand gesture.

This is my favorite part about road ragers. They are driving like maniacs and then for all of their urgency, they will end up at the same light; and conveniently next to you. This made me smile as I tend to calm down in stressful situations. She still wanted to sign to me and when she did, I looked over at her with a smile. When I saw a frumpy, middle-aged woman with bleach blonde hair who looked like she was late for an appointment with the drive-thru I couldn’t help it. I really tried hard not to giggle, but I just could not stop it.

About 22 years ago, I had the a similar incident happen with my sister Vicki. We were on our way to see our sister, Dona, in Ogden where she had just given birth to the first grandchild. I don’t know why we were driving so late, but I believe it was after midnight. There weren’t many cars on the road and we were punch-drunk tired. The two of us have a tendency to over-giggle when we get together anyway. We still do.

This particular night, Vicki was driving and due to the low amount of traffic and, and, and…okay, who am I kidding?  It had nothing to do with the low traffic, I just decided to play a joke on her. We approached an intersection and she stopped as the light was red. She wasn’t paying attention and after a few seconds, I said, “Go. It’s green.” (Of course there were no cars coming. Yes, I was a mindless teenager, but had at least taken that into consideration.) She punched the gas and went through the light. Halfway through as I was laughing she realized what I had done and started laughing too. In the car next to us were some wicked, hardcore Ogden girls with four inch bangs and bad perms. I guess our lawlessness upset them and they decided to pull up next to us, roll down their window and yell.

We looked at each and started laughing. They got madder. We laughed more. But, they wouldn’t leave our side. I convinced Vicki to perform another illegal maneuver and she raced around a car positioning them behind us and blocked from passing. Then the laughter machine started up again. They managed to make their way to our side again. I told Vicki I think they want to fight us, which brought peals of more laughter. I said seriously, we better stop laughing. But the thought of two little small-town girls on their way to a hospital to see their first niece getting hounded by Ogden gang girls just seemed so hilarious.

After contemplating our demise, I said why don’t we just pull over. She said what if they do something. I said they’re doing something right now. I’m a competent negotiator and figured we could all talk and go have a cupcake together. Ironically, the confrontation ended when we pulled into a small parking lot and they kept going. I think we were somewhat relieved, but couldn’t help trash talking them as they drove away. It was something like, who’s tough now? That’s right, we’re not scared. We straightened our leg warmers and drove to the hospital.

I realize people like road ragers have their own issues if they choose to get that angry and belligerent. When I first looked at the lady “signing” me, I wondered if she had ever been to Ogden. I kind of did want to follow her and say look I’m a really nice person. I’m sorry if you thought I pulled out in front of you, but I believe you were driving above the speed limit. Then I realized people have their own demons and probably have more troubling lives than I do. She was going to have to learn to be happy by herself and without my kind instructions on how to do it. Besides, I didn’t have my sister with me to back me up this time. Have a nice day, angry lady. I hope your life gets better.

The Bus Stops Here: I Only Have 6 Friends on Facebook and Only Know 2 of Them

Since I’m riding the bus these days, I figure I might as well share some of the interesting people I meet along the way. I try not to judge—just observe through my little lens into the random, unfolding lives of strangers. Plus, let’s be honest—I have to write about something, so why not launch a new series: The Bus Stops Here?

_______________________________

I had settled onto the bench with no idea when the next bus might show up. There's a universal look at every stop: a silent longing in the eyes of riders, gazing left down the road in hopeful anticipation. When someone first arrives, they instinctively glance right, just to be sure they didn’t miss it. Buses run on their own logic—sometimes early, sometimes late. You just learn to wait.

Thankfully, the weather had cooled off a bit—meaning it had dropped into the 100s. Odd as it sounds, after surviving July in Las Vegas, it actually felt nice.

He was standing when I sat down, staring down the road. Dark-skinned with long black hair pulled into a bun, his arms were covered in tribal tattoos. He looked Hawaiian. Turned out, he was—sort of. His father was Black, his mother brunette, and his grandmother a redhead. “That’s how I got the good hair,” he explained with a little pride.

His name was Ritchie. He’d moved to Vegas from Oklahoma to be near his mom, but a DUI had stripped him of his license almost three years ago. He was hopeful—he thought he’d be eligible to get it back soon. Until then, it was the bus.

That day, he’d just come from the library where he’d been researching trade schools in Texas. He wanted to learn pipe inspection. Welding excited him. Especially underwater welding.

But he couldn’t sit still. He kept pacing. He hadn’t made it to the smoke shop yet, and the folded five-dollar bill in his pocket was calling his name. He told me that as long as he bought the lowest strength Spice, he wouldn’t get addicted.

He said this while visibly twitching from craving. The irony didn’t seem to land for him.

On his leg was a scar I couldn’t ignore—deep and jagged, shaped like bite marks, with chunks of flesh missing. I had to ask.

He told me the story like it was yesterday. It was a Saturday morning. He was deep in a drug-induced sleep, recovering from a long week. A knock at the door yanked him out of it. The bus to work took two hours each way, so his 8-hour shift turned into 12-hour days. Weekends were sacred.

He jumped up, opened the door half-asleep, and was greeted by two people campaigning for Obama just before the election.

“Dude, I don’t have time for this!” he said, slamming the door. He stormed back upstairs, furious—his only day to sleep in, ruined.

By the time he got to his room, his anger had spiraled. He lashed out and kicked the window on instinct. The glass shattered—and a sharp edge sliced into his leg, deep. Blood began pulsing out in rhythm.

He was wearing nothing but boxers. Without thinking, he yanked them off to try to stop the bleeding and stumbled down the stairs, completely naked, screaming for help. A neighbor rushed to his aid. He made it to the hospital in time.

“I found out later I coulda sued them for malpractice,” Ritchie said, pointing to the scar. “But I missed the deadline. You only got a year. It happened last August 12th. Too late now. Coulda got a lotta money.”

Now he was here, trying to start over—but struggling. He said he hadn’t made many friends in Vegas. He didn’t know anyone. He had six Facebook friends, but he only recognized two of them.

The bus finally pulled up. I got on first. Ritchie followed—and sat right next to me.

And The Balloon Pops

[continued]

I've scrambled to come up with a new plan and attacked it furiously. I've minimized my expenses to $1,200 a month including $200 for food and $130 for bus passes. For that, I am proud of myself. I did have to eliminate my smartphone completely, but in reality no one calls and there's no one I can't reach online. In fact, that's how 99% of my communication is done anyway. I can Skype anyone else I need to call. I have an appointment to donate plasma tomorrow and I've got about $100 worth of stuff to sell on Ebay. I have to email my attorney and break the news to her. I owe her a lot of money, and she earned every penny of it.

I know everything will work out, because I have 42 years of experience watching it work out. It's just a lot harder when you have three children and are shackled to this wretched town. Every time, something always comes around that is better. It's the time from the disappointment to that new exciting thing that is dark and and keeps me blinded. But, I do know something great is on the horizon.

And if it wasn't for darn kids who have the sweetest of little hearts, it would be easy to just take care of myself and take the first bus out of town. Unfortunately, you can't hide as much financial stress from them as you'd like. They do notice when you don't have a car anymore. But they are very adventurous and think the bus is very cool. Porter said, "Mom, we're like the poor people now, aren't we? I mean not poor like the poor people that don't have a house; just poor like the people who don't have cars and have to ride the bus." Madison said, "Does this mean we don't get to order anything when we go to McDonald's now? You know like we did last year?" They are really adaptable and don't mean to drown me in guilt with my own feelings of failure.

Porter sweetly asked, "Mom, if you could have anything right now what would it be?" I said, "Porter, things can't bring  you happiness. Whether you have 'things' or not you still have a choice to be happy." He replied, "Oh, I thought you would said you wanted a car since you don't have one anymore."

Lane asked if the bathroom could be his room since he doesn't have his own room. He slept in the bathtub the last two nights after filling it with blankets and pillows. Those things are probably fun to them, but torture me. They've asked why we don't have apple juice anymore. Another slice of the knife cuts into me. I already asked before everything happened if they could wait a couple weeks after school started before I bought them clothes. They were so gracious and said we already have clothes! I bought new shoes for Madison and Porter, but had to skip them for Lane. Unfortunately, Porter's came a half a size to small so Lane inherited them. But, Porter has assumed the role of "man of the house" an honor he takes much too seriously for his young age. He takes it in stride and asks if I want the money in his piggy bank to help. Pouring vinegar on the wound.

If nothing else, this gives me something to write about and as much as I am wallowing in my disappointment, it is just that. If I owned a mansion and an Escalade and died tomorrow, I'd still be buried in the ground. I was so frustrated over everything I spoke my mind and probably shouldn't. I told the kids I feel bad because I can't give them things they want. Porter said, "Mom, all we want is you and we have that." And all I want is them, and I have that.

The Balloon Soared High In The Sky

July of 2012 was when my divorce was officially finalized. It marked the end of a decade, but the beginning of my liberation. I spent a year trying to recover from financial ruin. I worked very hard. I worked two jobs. Last month, when I officially earned a paycheck for my writing, I felt like I had climbed to the top of the mountain. This wasn't something I had just desired for the past year, it was a dream I've wanted my entire life. I wanted it more than anything--to be a "real" writer; paid for my work. The last three weeks have been bliss even though there was a little slack in the pay, but it was going to catch up on this next paycheck. Then, things would not only be better financially, I would be writing for my job. It was hardly work as I anticipated each new article I would be assigned. This is what I had hoped for so that I could spend more time with my babies. I was like a balloon soaring high into the skies. It was a beautiful view from up in the sky.

My editor wrote me yesterday. Google changed their rankings. No more inundating the internet with organic articles. Too many would hurt the clients rankings instead of help. The simple bottom line was that there would not be anymore writers in the main stream pool. My job, my paid writing job, was gone. My balloon hit a wire. It popped. It plummeted. It deflated as it hit the ground.

I'm at the library now after taking two buses and 42 minutes to get here to return a book. The library closes an hour earlier than I thought it would and I forgot my book. I rode again and remember the faces of struggle I saw before, but they don't enlighten me like they did last summer. They don't motivate me. They make me sad. I left these people, and yes I do feel for them. Everyone has their struggles and I'm sure they have dreams too, but could any of them want to be a writer more than me? Did anyone take 42 years to doubt themselves until someone said they would pay them to write?  I can't discount their lives. I don't know what they are going through. This time, I don't want to ask. I'm sulking and making my disappointment the center of the universe.

I was so close to walking across the financial bridge. I could see the light at the end of the tunnel and it was a bright light. I was going towards the light. I had to use the last little bit of my meager $700 savings to pay a lawyer for my custody court on Tuesday. On Wednesday, when I left to run errands my car was gone. Apparently, I didn't get across that bridge in time. This paycheck was going to fix that. That was a rough day as I tried to figure out how I would transport the kids back and forth. I worked it out though. I put a smile on my face and was grateful for the direct bus route that led from my house to theirs all the way across town. It's unusual, in fact nearly impossible for something like that to happen in Vegas. That was something to be thankful for. I calculated how much money I would be saving in gas, insurance, car payments to be made up, and maintenance. Hey, I was going to save a ton of money! My family offered a vehicle. I had to options: one I could use for free; and one I could purchase with low payments. I went to sleep that night feeling exhausted, but grateful. I am always grateful.

The dream of being a writer was so sweet, so close. I can't go back to a regular job when I have tasted what has created an addiction. I have to figure out how to find my way back to the oasis.

[To be continued...]

What A Life

I think I am turning into the construction worker whose house is never finished; the landscaper whose yard is incomplete; or the mechanic who has cars in the driveway. I have neglected to keep my own blog up for awhile. This is probably my most important writing project as I began it with the intention of having a yearbook chronicling the lives of Porter, Madison, and Lane's childhood. When they are 18 and I give it to them, I can say, "Here's your proof you had a good childhood. Here's your proof I was a good Mom. Take this to your therapist." Okay not that extreme, but I know how forgetful the mind can be. I can already go back the past year and have brought to memory an event recorded that would have otherwise been forgotten.

We are starting a new chapter as a family that I am really excited about. With my new writing job, I can work from home. It has been a lot of fun getting to be with the kids more. It has lessened the pain of being apart and the kids are really enjoying it too. I've had to work a lot of harder to find time to still meet my deadlines and juggle kids, but it's working. We are multi-tasking our activities. I take them to the pool. They swim. I write. We went to a library program Saturday. They played, I wrote. We're going swimming again and then I'll probably let them play at McDonalds for a couple of hours. I'll be writing.  I've had to ask them to help me a little more by having quiet time while I am in the middle of writing at home. Just being present is good enough for all of us. It's been amazing and I am so blessed to have this opportunity. I really feel more gratitude than words can express. A year ago, I told myself I wanted more money and a job that I could have more time with the kids and now it is happening.

The kids....Porter is really into learning how to do things on his own. He wants to learn to make as many things as he can all by himself. He's able to fry eggs. (Occasionally forgets to turn the stove on or misses the skillet.) He's adept at Top Ramen, instant oatmeal, and toast. He can almost make macaroni and cheese by himself. He can blend a smoothie and makes great barbecue chicken. And, last but not least, he knows how to thaw a bowl of frozen peas. He can't live without those. It's nice when he can make stuff for the other two--and they do take advantage. He pretends he is opening a kitchen.

Madison is slowly turning back into her pre-divorce self. She still struggles, but she's coming out of it. She has a lot of unanswered questions and doesn't even know how to articulate them. She is still struggling with reading, but every once in a while gets it. Her memory is phenomenal. She saw an ad on for Red Roof Hotel and said, "Isn't that where we stayed when we went to the concert in Phoenix?" I actually had quit a memory at her age, and I'm wondering if hers will kick in and she'll be able to read better this year. With my new job, I can spend more time in their classrooms too! Yea...not. Madison is the most amazing, helpful child when she wants to be. She can be quit the opposite when she chooses not to. I already noticed a big difference with her being with me more.

Lane is starting to get a little more independent from me. I have "he's my baby syndrome" bad. Fortunately, he's too independent to fall for it. He wants to do what Porter and Madison do and still doesn't quite agree that they're not the same age--even though he realizes they are 7 and he is 5. He reminds me of Kim when she ran around with the boys. She didn't know she couldn't do what they were doing so she did it. Lane is doing so well with his writing and reading. He knows so much already for school. I have to credit his Grandma Smith for that. She is really good at working with the kids. Lane still has a little lazy in him. He has to find ways to make cleaning fun. If he can pretend the trash can is real and it needs to be fed, he's good. His toys always have to be "rescued" by a superhero to get back to their toy box. He's great at cleaning the kitchen--as long as I will help him.

I am always interested in listening to them say what they want to be when they grow up. Lane wants to be a Fireman still. Madison wants to be a Veterinarian. Porter wants to be a rockstar. It's hard to believe I will have two second graders and a kindergartener. I'm excited for them and their futures as they are such good kids. I relish the moments of their childhood now because I've seen plenty of people have their children change as they become teens and young adults.I don't know what the future holds for my family, but know I have to enjoy every moment. They teach me more than I teach them.

I Is A Real Writer Now

My first day "off the job" as a paid writer. My company training is complete and I am spending my first at home day working. I haven't dressed, combed my hair, or put on makeup. I'm wearing old boyfriend shorts, a t-shirt, and mismatched socks. No commute in Vegas traffic. Haven't seen a soul. Complete solitude. I have corresponded with my editor three times and taken a phone call from him. (I just like to say "my editor". I have an editor.) I am experiencing slight eye-strain. That can't possibly because of my age. My computer must not be functioning. I shall carry on....or type on.

Two Sides of the Coin

My "It Is Life" column for July:

http://aliveutah.com/it-is-life-two-sides-to-every-coin/

Alaska is the end of the world.

Lane is limping around with a broken leg, but getting better and better at it. He has an annoying habit of waiting until the very last minute to have to go to the bathroom. (Hmmm...sounds like a certain sister.) Pre-cast this was okay, because he could run to the bathroom.

He was on a bar stool when the urge hit. He yelled for me and I rushed towards him in a fake emergency mode. I grabbed him and threw him over my shoulder and ran for the bathroom. I flopped him forward over my shoulder and caught him in my arms. He was laughing and I held him in a "low-dip-tango-ish" dance pose with him almost upside down and his head nearly touching the floor.

I said over-dramatically, "I'd carry you to the end of the world and back!" He said, "You would." I said, "Yes." Pragmatic like he is, he responded, "Mom, that's a really long way. I think you'll be really tired." I laughed and said, "Probably." He said, "Wow! Would you take me to Alaska?" I said, "Yes!" He said, "Good cause Alaska is where the end of the world is at."

Red, White, and Blue

I am not Mexican, nor am I Salvadorian. But, I could not convince the Vietnamese nail lady I was not. She wanted to know what Spanish country I came from. I seriously thought she was kidding, until she said, "Ja, maybe for you no like Mexican because you some other Spanish. You know, you Spanish people so mad someone call you Mexican and you no Mexican. For me, people say Chinese. I say no me Vietnamese. But is okay, I no care!" I told her I wasn't any kind of Spanish and the only Spanish I knew was Taco Bell, Nacho Bell Grande, and Mexican Pizza.

My skin is as white as the driven snow. Maybe it was one of those instances when a person of a particular race thinks that another race all looks the same...except I'm not Spanish so I can't look like all of the other Spanish people. She asked me what I was if I wasn't Spanish. I said, white, plain old vanilla white. I said, "Look at my arms. They're covered in freckles." Then I realized it kinda sucks not to be part of an ethnic group. People from other countries can say their Italian, German, Polish, Swedish. I could say American but that includes too many races to be distinctive.

Then I thought about it more and realized that "white" people are so diluted in their genealogy they have no distinct race or nationality. I mean, I have ancestors who are Irish, Portugese, Jewish, etc. (Mom and Dona know more about that.) But I don't get a cool name. I'm really disappointed that all I have is a color and it's not even a cool color. I think everyone should just have to say what color they are and even be able to pick their color. That would be fair.

Or else, I need some cool label. Caucasian is not cool, by the way. In fact, it's not even applicable as it is a word that originated in 1807 and referred to people who originated from the Caucasus Mountains between the Black and Caspian seas. (Which is no where close to America.) I don't know a single soul from the Caucasus Mountains. Maybe someday I can return to my homeland and meet my people.

A dating tip from Lane

Each of my children are so unique, but the dynamics of their personality change when they are alone with me. Lane woke up EARLY this morning yelling for Porter. I said, "Go back to sleep, Lane. Porter is asleep and you're dreaming." He said, "You can't be awake if you're dreaming, Mom! And, I am awake!" He woke up and woke me up. He talks a lot and loud when he's the only one awake. He said, "I'm the man of the house because Porter is asleep!"

I asked him if he wanted to go to a fancy restaurant for his birthday date with me. He said, "Yea, let's go to Subway!" I said, "No, I was going to take you out to a really nice restaurant." He said, "Mo-o-om! You can't take me out to a restaurant, I'm taking YOU out." I said, "Lane, it's your birthday. I get to take you out." He said, "Mom! Whenever you go on a date, the man has to take YOU out. I'm the man. I'm taking YOU out for my birthday."

E=mc2

My feeble words cannot even begin to explain how awesome it is to have kids! I learn so much from them, it makes wonder how we get dumber as we get older. Or, if they are just that much smarter than we were. Lane begged me to play Skylander with him because Porter was asleep. I feel like I did when we would try to get my Grandma Lane to play Ms. Pacman at the pizza parlor. I remembering thinking how I was always going to be cool enough to play an arcade game. That's the only reason I floundered with a controller while my 4 year old (for only three more days!) tried to explain to me how to use the controllers.

Yesterday at the pool, Porter asked me if I had let the air out of their pool swimming tubes. I said no, I just put them in the trunk of the car. He wanted to know why they were a little deflated. I said it's because when the weather or temperature changes the tubes can go flat. That wasn't enough for him. He wanted to know how that happened. I said I don't understand. I said it's something to do with condensation. The air molecules are little tiny bubbles and they get tighter when it's full--but the heat can make the bubbles smaller. He said, I still don't understand. I said, yea I really don't get it either and I'm confusing myself. I just know heat can make a tube deflate. He said, I know, BUT I want to understand it! Can you explain it to me? I was like, yea, not really. Stop trying to be so smart.

Lane is so excited about learning everything. He already knows what most kids learn by the end of kindergarten. We checked out books at the library that he can read. He loves reading to me. I told him I am so proud of how much he knows. He said, "I am really smart, Mom!"

The kids came up with an idea that we should get them a house. Then Brant and I could take turns staying with them. That way, the parents have to move between two houses instead of them. They said it would be more fair that way, since they're not the ones who made the mistake. lol. How wise they are!

Fire Station 56

I am fortunate enough to have gone to high school with a man who is now a Fire Captain in Las Vegas. He let me take the kids to his Fire Station and give them a tour.   It was awesome and the kids loved it. They sprayed the hose, toured the station, and rode in the fire truck. They said they were so lucky they’re mom had a connection. I told them, “I’m the bomb.com.”

Friday is my favorite day!

Every time I pick up the kids on our joint custody schedule, Lane will come running out of his grandma's front door and yell, "It's Friday! Mom's here!" It's such a joy. Joint custody lends to a strange lifestyle. I'm a single mom for half of the week and just single the other half. I don't know how this half a week parenting is going to work out for the kids. I am so excited to see them and have them on my days off, so we always plan something fun. I do all of my chores, tasks, and errands on the days I don't have them. Makes for spoiled kids in a way. I don't think most kids get a rockin' good time with undivided attention from their mom for 2 and a half days straight. It's just very difficult to want to do any daily routine work when I have them for such a short time.

They are still out cold from last night and I don't want to wake them.We're going to Mt. Charleston today...on an adventure! That's what Porter called it. Then Lane said we could hunt down animals, kill them, and cook them for dinner. Uhhh...not this Mama. I told him he would have to go with Uncle Kris sometime to do that.

On the way home last night, the twins were talking about bungee jumping. Lane asked what that was and then said he wanted to do it. The three of us were all, "No way!" We'll have to watch. Actually, I don't think I could even do that. I still remember being in college with Vicki. We were in a gym parking lot and they had a bungee jumping thing going on in the parking lot. We looked at the person that was going and said, "Isn't that Ron (Taylor)?" Sure was. And a few years later, she married him. I don't think there was a correlation.

What's new...

I was going back on my blog with the kids and reading about things they had done. We laughed about the funny things they said and the cute pictures of them as toddlers. I realize I haven’t written much about them—or at least as much as I used to. I know this last year has been really hard and has been a major adjustment for them. I can’t believe how many things I would have forgotten if I had not written them down.

I need to write more so that the memories of their childhood will not be lost. Not so much for them, as for me. I love to go back and reminisce and have my mind refreshed of all of the precious things they do as children.

The kids are more than half way through first grade. I know every parent says this a million times—but time flies by!!! Porter has really flourished this year and is excelling in school. He loves other kids and especially his teacher. He said he knows she’s a mom because she calls the kids “baby,” “honey,” and “sweetie.” He adores her and often makes her cards or letters. 

Madison has been struggling quite a bit with the divorce. It has hit her hardest this last year. I’ve talked to her a lot about it and she opens up. I’ve read the effects that divorce can have on children. She has most of the symptoms. But talking to her has helped her recognize that these are external issues that are not her fault. I spoke with her teacher last week because I have been concerned about her academic progress and her ability to deal with all of her emotions and insecurities. Her teacher told me she said, “I heard that kids of divorce sometimes have a hard time in school.”

The teacher recommended she attend a class the school counselor has during school hours. Kids of divorce meet in the group and read stories or talk about how they feel. It’s called Banana Splits. When I told Madison about it and asked if she wanted to go she said, “Yes mom. I really want to go. I think it would help a lot.” I’m glad she is very aware of how she is being affected and recognizes she needs help. I asked Porter if he wanted to attend and he said, “No. I don’t really need help with the divorce. It doesn’t affect me like it has Madi.” 

He is such a wise little man. He still hates to go to sleep and on weekends he usually stays up late. I’m amazed at how he can still wake up early and go through the day without being tired. Often I am falling asleep before he does. After the other two kids go to sleep he’ll cuddle up next to me and talk. It’s the best time to actually have a conversation with him. He rarely does that when he has the other two around. I am seriously amazed by that little boy and how much of a grasp of life he has already. He is so mature. 

Last night I asked him how he was doing with the divorce. He said it doesn’t really bother him. I asked why he thinks Lane and Madi have a hard time. He said, “Well, Madi is really sensitive and Lane is just little.” I said, “Maybe you can help them out since it’s easier for you.” He said, “We hear a lot of bad things about you and sometimes it’s hard to decide if it’s true or not.” He said, “I used to believe a lot of it, but now I just think about it and decide for myself.” Wow! He said, “I think they don’t know who to believe anymore.” 

Some of the things being said are not worth repeating. All of the things the kids tell me do hurt, but not me so much. Just the things being said are emotional disparaging to my kids. I try very hard to say positive and uplifting things about the people they are with when they are not with me. I know they are loved by them and that’s what is most important. I believe it’s unnecessary and so damaging to the kids. It is hardest not to react when they tell me what is said. I want to be angry and say all of the bad things I know, but the self-satisfying venting will do nothing good. I know that uplifting and speaking kindly of their Dad builds their self-esteem.  I just tell myself that someday they will grow up and be able to see things for what they were. I want them to remember that I never spoke unkind and that I didn’t say things that would hurt them.

The boys have wanted Skylander ever since they were introduced to it by their cousin, Krew. I told them if they do chores, they can earn money. I tried giving them assigned rooms, but it never worked very well. I think it was too much for them to do. Not really as far as the work, just mentally they didn’t know where to start. I came up with a chart that has a picture of the chore and then I put points by it. For example, clean the toilet, clean the bathroom mirror, or sweep and mop the kitchen floor. I give them small decorative stones for each point. They can turn them in for money at the end of the night.

Porter talked Lane into combining stones so they could buy Skylander together.  Porter also quickly looked at the chart and found the chores that had the highest points. He always does those first. Madi wasn’t really interested until I encouraged her to think of something she wanted and something she would want to save her money to buy. She decided she wants to get her ears pierced and she has suddenly become very interested in the chore chart. Lane is half-hearted about chores. He’s mostly prodded to do something by Porter so that Porter can add his stones with his. I just have to save up for a game station now!

Porter has also had such a high aptitude when it comes to the phone and the computer. He can do so much on it. I never would have guessed he would have been so smart. Lane adores his older brother and thinks he’s the greatest. Those two are best buddies. Lane is content to watch Porter play on the phone or the computer. Lane is a little on the lazy side and pretends not to hear me when he doesn’t want to do what I’ve told him. He is still the best little cuddle buddy and says the sweetest things to me. He still wants to marry me when he grows up. I keep telling the boys they have to cuddle with me even they grow up. They promise that they will.

In one of our late night talks, Porter told me how much he loves girls. I thought, oh no! I asked him if he was going to have a girlfriend when he grows up. He said, “Yeah, when I’m a teenager I will.” I said are you going to kiss her? He said, “No I just want to hug her.” I said, “Why do you like girls so much? You have a crush on your teacher too.” He said, “Because mom, girls remind me of you.” 

I adore them so much. I only wish they could have more of a normal life--one with a house, their own rooms, and one where they didn’t have to spend time between three different homes. I don’t know how I can make things better for them. I just pray for the best to happen and that they will be okay in their dysfunctional world. 

I have wanted to do cool things for them and they love Austin and Ally on Disney. Austin, his real name is Ross Lynch, is one of their favorite singers. He and his siblings have a band called R5. There is a concert in Phoenix and so I am taking them to that. They are so excited about it. It’s been a struggle to save, but I figured it would be a great memory for them and something they would really enjoy. The twins told me that they have been telling all of their friends at school. That makes the financial pain a little easier. In my pre-mom life I have always had a hard time spending money. Especially on fun things or things that seem frivolous. This has been hard for me—the saving part is easy—it’s just spending money.

I have been slowly getting needed repairs completed on my car. Last Saturday we took the car in and waited. It was almost three hours. We got the alignment done and the tires rotated. This week I was going to get the air conditioning fixed, but ended up with another problem. My right front axle was wearing down. I opted to fix that and put off the car a/c for another week. I so want to have that this summer. 

We rode the bus and it was cold and windy. Because it was Saturday, we had to wait for some of the busses. I think they were bussed out after the day. At one stop, Madison asked a lady if she was poor. I tried to ignore it, hoping no one would notice. But, she said it again. I was so embarrassed. I told her it was not polite to ask people if they were poor. I love my kids!