Don't worry, be happy

You never know how divorce will affect your kids. Even though you hear it all the time how devastating it can be for them. I’ve been watching my own kids carefully to see if they are okay, or at least as “okay” as they can be with the circumstances. A fellow divorcee, told me his daughter didn’t start showing the effects of it until a couple of years after the divorce. She was a star student, and recently started failing in her classes. I have felt fortunate that my kids are so close in age (two 6, and one  4) that their bond with each other has helped them through a lot of this. And, no matter where they have been, they have been there together.

Porter, who is my sensitive child, has been getting upset easily lately. The past weekend when I brought them home with me he had a meltdown. He started getting really exasperated as he said, “Mom, I am so tired of people taking my bottle of Sprite and drinking it or throwing it away. I just want it to be where I left it!” All of this was said as he was breaking down in tears.

 I said,” Porter there is a whole fridge full of Sprite.”

He responded, “I know, but I AM the one who had to unscrew the lid!”

“Porter,” I said, “I put it back in the fridge. This isn’t a big deal.”

“Yes it is, Mom! You don’t understand,” he cried some more. “I’m just so tired of it.”

I told Porter I thought there was something else he may be upset about and asked him to come and talk with me. We propped ourselves up on some pillows and he fell into my arms. As we talked I ask him a lot of questions. I told him I felt like he was worried about everyone. He worried about his Dad, he worried about me, he worried about his Grandma, and he worried about his brother and his sister. He said he did and that he even worried about the kids at school.

I tried explaining to him that was a big burden for a six year old boy to be carrying around. He was only six and should be having fun like a six year old, not trying to take on the problems of the world. I explained that it was nice for him to care about all of these people, but it wasn’t his job to worry or try to fix their problems. He told me he tried to do nice things for everyone because he wanted everyone to be happy. I told him that he always looked so happy and had such a great smile. He said he did that because he was trying hard not to be sad inside.

Wow. That was a lot for me to take in. He essentially was trying to be the man of the house and take care of everyone in the only way he knew how. I asked him if he had been carrying this burden around for a long time. He said yes and started sobbing again. As gently as I could I told him, “Porter you don’t have to do that. You don’t have to carry all of this weight on your shoulders. Mom and Dad and everyone else have the opportunity to make their own choices and to fix their own problems. We all have Heavenly Father to help us with that too. That’s why we are here; to learn and to grow and to become better people. But we have to find our own way. Sometimes people in our lives are there to help us and support us but our lives are ours to own and be responsible for. You just have to worry about yourself and your life. And you always have Heavenly Father to talk to. He is only a prayer away and will be with you when no one else can.”

“So I don’t have to worry anymore?” he asked.

“No,” I said, “You can let it all go right now. In fact I’m going to pick it up off of your shoulders for you and smash it on the ground!” I pretended to lift something very heavy off of his back. He giggled when I did then this, and that was a welcome sound. If you are ever feeling like you are worrying too much I want you to remember something someone once told me. It is a phrase, “Let go, and let God.” It means that whenever you are worried about something you don’t have any control over or can’t fix you have to let it go. Then you can turn it over to God and let him and the other person take care of it. You don’t have to be the one to fix someone else’s problem. “You’re a pretty wise kid, buddy” I hugged him.

“I know,” he said.

I said, “ Do you know what that means?”

He said, “Yea, it means I’m really smart.”

I laughed, “I guess so.”

A few hours later, he was bouncing off the walls and smiling from ear to ear—a lot like the kid he used to be all of the time. I asked him “What got into you?” He jumped up on the bed and started bouncing on it like it was a trampoline and started shouting, “I don’t have to worry anymore!”

At the end of the day when we pray together, I asked each of the kids to say something they remember from the day that was good. Lane said, “Everything. I just like everything. I’m always happy.” True, true. Porter said, “I liked my talk I had with Mom.” Yes, it melted my heart. I’m so glad my son can talk to me. Madi said, “I still want to beat Oscar up for not letting Porter play with him. Don’t think I haven’t forgotten about that!”  Oye vey!  She’s a whole other nut I’m not sure I know how to crack. Her anger is masking her feelings and she’s not easy to talk too….another chapter.

The next evening, a day later, the other kids had fallen asleep and Porter came and cuddled with me. He told me he wanted me to get married to a man that didn’t yell at me. And then there were three other things he thought I should have: 1) strong; 2) could play football really good; and 3) was rich. Hmmm….I thought, he wants to me to start dating NFL players. Alright, I’ll put that on my list of things to do.

Later in our conversation he said, “Mom if you knew that about me (referring to his worrying) why didn’t you tell me sooner? It has helped so much.”

I said, “Porter I didn’t know exactly what was wrong. I just could sense there was something and didn’t know for sure until after I talked to you.”

He said, “Boy, I wish you would have told me about that sooner.”

I asked, “So it’s been a big relief for you?”

“Yea,” he said, “I like being a six year old boy. I always wanted to grow up really fast so I could do big things.  I think kids always want to be grownups and I’ve noticed that grownups always say they wish they could be a kid again. Everyone wants the opposite, but right now I think I just want to be a kid.”

That’s what I want for him too. I’m grateful he talks to me and for his wisdom and insight. He is a tender hearted boy who has tried to step in and be the man in my life. I love who he is and know he will grow up to be an amazing man, but am heartbroken he has been put in this position. Let go, and let God.